Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Charlie Sheen - the next Scarface

While Charlie Sheen is grabbing the headlines searching for Two and Half Men, he somehow found two goddesses and an account on Twitter.

If you are reading this you have been under the barrage of Charlie Sheen news. I watched his Piers Morgan interview. Whatever his claims are about sobriety, that is one hyped-up porn star. Somehow he went from the craziest partier this side of the Atlantic a few weeks ago, to a self-healed comedy genius that everybody should trust undeniably. He wonders why no one will talk to him. It might be because he is one intense, complicated person that babbles ridiculousness, including Anti-Semitic remarks while trashing hotel rooms. He blames the network for fueling his lunacy. There he does have a point.

What's funny these days is when all else fails, a public figure will join Twitter to show that they are "hip", you know, "swing'in"…up to date. Charlie Sheen is the latest. You may remember the presidential campaign of 2008, John McCain did not know how to  use a "dag burn" cellphone and Sarah Palin only shot moose and built trooper gates. Now they are both Twitter hounds (or have hired Twitter hounds) to tell us their every thought and inkling.

When Tiger Wood's SUV crashed, you thought no big star could surpass his Faux Pas. Next up was Jesse James cheating on Sandra Bullock. The public has always liked watching the rise and fall. I just went to the Getty Museum and learned about what people did in 100 A.D. They beat each other with iron boxing gloves and people watched while applying perfume. It's natural for people to follow the sound of a crash. Today we can follow that crash 140 characters at a time.

My guess Charlie's Tweets will be something like this:

IamcompletelyfineIdon'tknowwhypeoplethinkthatiamondrugs. Itdoesn'tmatterthatiamspeekingjibberishandamchainsmokinglikeasonofabitch.



If following a lunatic is entertainment I think I'll skip it.  I did hear of a good use of Twitter.

Farmers report crop and soil problems on the spot.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Forrest Gump and the BP Oil Disaster

The BP Oil Disaster has been going on for a few months now. As Americans watch black goo pump into our ocean, Tony Hayward, BP's front man, would like to get his life back. So would the 11 people that died on the rig when it blew up. Part of the problem is the gulf is half way around the world from BP's headquarters. We are getting the Simon Cowell attitude while Hayward floats on yachts in clean waters. I'd like to offer him a vacation in the gulf paddling a canoe in 30 weight motor oil.

Being that people in Louisiana make a living selling shrimp, I am surprised there haven't been more references to Forrest Gump. The movie went a lot of places, but the goal was to have Forrest and Bubba go into the shrimp business. One iconic shot in the film has Forrest sitting at the bus stop offering people candy. Putting the two thoughts together I came up with the attached cartoon where Forrest yells, "Bubba, the shrimp look just like chocolates!". 

This is funny, but its not funny. I consider BP's activity another case of "Corporate Bull". This follows, Toyota, Madoff, Enron, Bre-X, FlowTex, Global Crossing, Harken Energy, Kinney National, Phar-Mor, Union Carbide, AIG.  Must I go on. As average consumers we are at the mercy of huge corporations that carve our futures out of the landscape and our booties. Personally, I am pissed. If I have to hear one more tweedle-dee commercial with some company telling me they care, I'm going to hurl. Toyota, who just killed numerous individuals with poor engineering are running commercials touting their safety awards and that they know that we care about our safety. Hoogadda Hoogadda bleck! - hairball. What a joke.  Previous to their acceleration problems, it had never occurred to me that I wanted to be safe in a vehicle that I drive at 80 miles an hour. Thanks Toyota for reminding me 1000 times a day. Like politicians, it's easier to apologize than do the right thing.

Speaking of Corporate Bull, I have invented a Facebook board game that makes fun of the workplace.  Whether you are an executive, a manager or unemployed, this game will bust you up. I need some help financing the programming.  Go to: to learn about Crowd Financing through RocketHub.

Thanks for your support!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Craig Ferguson mocks Jay Leno as he throws Conan O'Brien under the bus

Craig Ferguson was all over Jay Leno making fun of his delivery. That is easy to do. If one of your friends walked into your house and acted like Jay Leno it would be pretty weird. First he wears a tuxedo and gets out of one of his 50 vehicles...then a band starts playing. As they finish, he applauds himself and starts talking to you in a voice like Barney Frank with intense hand movements and even more sarcasm. Then he shows you goofy news clippings with a drum roll. Wow, that's some serious entertainment. I can't wait for the dancing poodles and spinning plates.

For years we heard about Leno's plan to quit. Conan O'Brien was slated to take his place. This went on longer than Bret Farve's football decision. From a TV watcher's perspective I remember thinking, "just do it already" to both of them. Bret Farve ass-slapped  his way into the playoffs while Jay Leno bitch-slapped O'Brien and threw him under the bus.

Years ago, late night TV was a big deal. Johnny Carson was popular when there were 9 stations and barely any video. He ruled the time slot. In 2010 how important is late night TV? Advertisers know that answer, it's the Viagra audience. I rarely hear conversation at a coffee house about who was on Leno. 25 year-olds are on Facebook and YouTube. Middle Age folks watch TV on Tivo and read about their kids on Facebook. When that isn't happening the world is looking down at their cellphone wondering why the bars keep going away in the canyon.

Being that we look at the top of people's heads, I believe advertisers will start putting logos on the top of baseball caps, right where the button is. When you look down at your phone, the logo people will see will read "Eat at Joes!" and "Nike". What will be interesting to see will be if the mobile TV watching audience cares about seeing Leno's chin on their iPhone 4G and beyond.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Lawrence Taylor blitzed by rape allegations

I have been watching football since I was 5. Little kids want to be just like the big guys. When they play, fans cheer, planes fly over head, announcers bark their names while cheerleaders kick their legs up high. That is where you would find Lawrence Taylor sneaking a peek before beating a quarterback senseless. The guy was Defensive Player of the Year, League MVP, First Team All-Pro on and on. The press lauded him for his abilities to scare the living daylights out of a full grown man. Off the field this guy is just as frightening.

During his hay day the Giant's defense was nicknamed "The Big Blue Wrecking Crew".  I didn't realize that they were talking about Taylor's blue balls and what was going to be his post NFL life. What happened to the Walter Payton's or Merlin Olsen's of the NFL. Men who walked the walk both on and off the field.

"The Longest Yard" is really a good example of the guys on the NFL football field. These men are really fast, really big, and the meanest guy on the block. They have been coached to kill since they were in 3rd grade. You kind of hope that these neanderthals would wise up once they hit the sidelines. Obviously not.

Kids have a lot of choices when it comes to choosing heroes. You would hope it would be their parents, but they are often busy or fighting. Teachers? Sometimes. Golfers? Not. Politicians? Please. To turn into a good person a kid needs a role model. Watching TV isn't going to help. Forget the movies, Iron Man 2 stars two guys fresh out of rehab.

If you are lucky, you grow up around good people that show you the way through their actions. That can be a neighbor, an uncle, a coach, a relative. Someone with some sense that probably doesn't have a Super Bowl ring. I had Les & Adele & Mr. Schuman. Regular people that took me under their wing.

Hide your children from the likes of Lawrence Taylor, Corey Dillon, Darrion Scott, Mike Tomczak, Eric Foster, Ben Roethlisberger, Leroy Hill, Joey Porter, Ryan Leaf, Spencer Havner, Warren Sapp, Steven Jackson, Jermaine Phillips, Marshawn Lynch,Terry Glenn on and on. These are only NFL players RECENTLY in trouble with the law.

Lawrence Taylor supposedly had sex with a 16 year-old girl. That is a long way from a Super Bowl ring.
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