Friday, July 2, 2010

Forrest Gump and the BP Oil Disaster

The BP Oil Disaster has been going on for a few months now. As Americans watch black goo pump into our ocean, Tony Hayward, BP's front man, would like to get his life back. So would the 11 people that died on the rig when it blew up. Part of the problem is the gulf is half way around the world from BP's headquarters. We are getting the Simon Cowell attitude while Hayward floats on yachts in clean waters. I'd like to offer him a vacation in the gulf paddling a canoe in 30 weight motor oil.

Being that people in Louisiana make a living selling shrimp, I am surprised there haven't been more references to Forrest Gump. The movie went a lot of places, but the goal was to have Forrest and Bubba go into the shrimp business. One iconic shot in the film has Forrest sitting at the bus stop offering people candy. Putting the two thoughts together I came up with the attached cartoon where Forrest yells, "Bubba, the shrimp look just like chocolates!". 

This is funny, but its not funny. I consider BP's activity another case of "Corporate Bull". This follows, Toyota, Madoff, Enron, Bre-X, FlowTex, Global Crossing, Harken Energy, Kinney National, Phar-Mor, Union Carbide, AIG.  Must I go on. As average consumers we are at the mercy of huge corporations that carve our futures out of the landscape and our booties. Personally, I am pissed. If I have to hear one more tweedle-dee commercial with some company telling me they care, I'm going to hurl. Toyota, who just killed numerous individuals with poor engineering are running commercials touting their safety awards and that they know that we care about our safety. Hoogadda Hoogadda bleck! - hairball. What a joke.  Previous to their acceleration problems, it had never occurred to me that I wanted to be safe in a vehicle that I drive at 80 miles an hour. Thanks Toyota for reminding me 1000 times a day. Like politicians, it's easier to apologize than do the right thing.

Speaking of Corporate Bull, I have invented a Facebook board game that makes fun of the workplace.  Whether you are an executive, a manager or unemployed, this game will bust you up. I need some help financing the programming.  Go to: to learn about Crowd Financing through RocketHub.

Thanks for your support!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Craig Ferguson mocks Jay Leno as he throws Conan O'Brien under the bus

Craig Ferguson was all over Jay Leno making fun of his delivery. That is easy to do. If one of your friends walked into your house and acted like Jay Leno it would be pretty weird. First he wears a tuxedo and gets out of one of his 50 vehicles...then a band starts playing. As they finish, he applauds himself and starts talking to you in a voice like Barney Frank with intense hand movements and even more sarcasm. Then he shows you goofy news clippings with a drum roll. Wow, that's some serious entertainment. I can't wait for the dancing poodles and spinning plates.

For years we heard about Leno's plan to quit. Conan O'Brien was slated to take his place. This went on longer than Bret Farve's football decision. From a TV watcher's perspective I remember thinking, "just do it already" to both of them. Bret Farve ass-slapped  his way into the playoffs while Jay Leno bitch-slapped O'Brien and threw him under the bus.

Years ago, late night TV was a big deal. Johnny Carson was popular when there were 9 stations and barely any video. He ruled the time slot. In 2010 how important is late night TV? Advertisers know that answer, it's the Viagra audience. I rarely hear conversation at a coffee house about who was on Leno. 25 year-olds are on Facebook and YouTube. Middle Age folks watch TV on Tivo and read about their kids on Facebook. When that isn't happening the world is looking down at their cellphone wondering why the bars keep going away in the canyon.

Being that we look at the top of people's heads, I believe advertisers will start putting logos on the top of baseball caps, right where the button is. When you look down at your phone, the logo people will see will read "Eat at Joes!" and "Nike". What will be interesting to see will be if the mobile TV watching audience cares about seeing Leno's chin on their iPhone 4G and beyond.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Lawrence Taylor blitzed by rape allegations

I have been watching football since I was 5. Little kids want to be just like the big guys. When they play, fans cheer, planes fly over head, announcers bark their names while cheerleaders kick their legs up high. That is where you would find Lawrence Taylor sneaking a peek before beating a quarterback senseless. The guy was Defensive Player of the Year, League MVP, First Team All-Pro on and on. The press lauded him for his abilities to scare the living daylights out of a full grown man. Off the field this guy is just as frightening.

During his hay day the Giant's defense was nicknamed "The Big Blue Wrecking Crew".  I didn't realize that they were talking about Taylor's blue balls and what was going to be his post NFL life. What happened to the Walter Payton's or Merlin Olsen's of the NFL. Men who walked the walk both on and off the field.

"The Longest Yard" is really a good example of the guys on the NFL football field. These men are really fast, really big, and the meanest guy on the block. They have been coached to kill since they were in 3rd grade. You kind of hope that these neanderthals would wise up once they hit the sidelines. Obviously not.

Kids have a lot of choices when it comes to choosing heroes. You would hope it would be their parents, but they are often busy or fighting. Teachers? Sometimes. Golfers? Not. Politicians? Please. To turn into a good person a kid needs a role model. Watching TV isn't going to help. Forget the movies, Iron Man 2 stars two guys fresh out of rehab.

If you are lucky, you grow up around good people that show you the way through their actions. That can be a neighbor, an uncle, a coach, a relative. Someone with some sense that probably doesn't have a Super Bowl ring. I had Les & Adele & Mr. Schuman. Regular people that took me under their wing.

Hide your children from the likes of Lawrence Taylor, Corey Dillon, Darrion Scott, Mike Tomczak, Eric Foster, Ben Roethlisberger, Leroy Hill, Joey Porter, Ryan Leaf, Spencer Havner, Warren Sapp, Steven Jackson, Jermaine Phillips, Marshawn Lynch,Terry Glenn on and on. These are only NFL players RECENTLY in trouble with the law.

Lawrence Taylor supposedly had sex with a 16 year-old girl. That is a long way from a Super Bowl ring.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Roman Polanski to be extradited to the US for feeding "Disco Biscuits" to a 13-year old

Most of the caricatures on take about 2 hours. I have to analyze their face, apply my principals, sketch in pencil, re-draw in Adobe Illustrator and finish in PhotoShop. At the same time I am writing the story in my head. I have been hearing about Roman Polanski my whole life. Drawing a close up was weird, you wonder what was thinking.

He recently broke his silence by saying he believes authorities in the U.S. are trying to extradite him purely for publicity, and “to serve me on a platter to the media of the world.” The answer to that would be yes.  There is a girl named Samantha Geimer that was 13 at the time. He fed her champagne and quaaludes, (also known as "disco biscuits") performed oral, sodomy and intercourse. He plead guilty to engaging unlawful intercourse and skipped town back to France. He has made films and lived a life in Europe leaving the mess in the past.

Since then, Geimer has forgiven him and wants the charges dropped. But some cases just won't go away…this is one of them. It was embarrassing to the Feds that he did what he did and got away. Polanski's statement about being a monkey for the press is 100% correct. Looking back, if he had faced the music in 1977 the whole episode would have been long forgotten.

I have a solution.

Bring him back to the US for a long, agonizing trial. He can make a film about the ordeal with all proceeds going to the church. Thinking about it, maybe not. They have their own problems with child endangerment.

How about letting Samantha drug him, then kick him in the balls. I'll start a website, Post the event on YouTube, start a blog followed with a Facebook fan page.

2010 viral justice from!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

A drunken Kiefer Sutherland counts to 24 before being choked out by a bouncer

I like the show 24. Mainly because it has action, blinking lights, people in headsets and an evil plot to take over the world. This is the perfect time for a gun wielding, gravel voiced, goon killer to show up and kick some ass. My belief system has a little trouble with the 24 hour concept, but as long as Jack mumbles some malarkey and Chloe saves the day I am good with the show. After they stop filming you would hope that these actors aren't completely acting. You know, they walk the walk and sound like they know something.

Well, off-camera Kiefer decides to visit a strip club and has a few drinks too many. On the way out he ends up in a bouncer's choke hold. My guess, he talked some gravelly garbage with some alcohol additive. Basically shit talking on the rocks and he got choked out to avoid further embarrassment.

Knowing the real story behind television tough guys certainly taints the believability  of the show. But I'm a lemming. If you crank up the music, add some explosions and occasional cleavage shots I'll buy whatever they're selling during the commercials.

Having a great acting gig obviously isn't as big a thrill as watching a cheerleader swing around a pole while knocking down too many cold ones. Sad. No headset, no gun, no computer, no villain with his finger on a button. Jack ends up in a bouncer's bicep gasping for meaning on a stage travelled by bimbos in plastic heals.

This Smackum! Award goes to Kiefer Sutherland for getting himself in trouble, again!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Simon Cowell sticks up his finger at America before going back to Britain

 I used to have a girlfriend who was a couch potato. She watched "The Apprentice", "Lost" and  "Survivor" between snacks and had a hot line directly to QVC. Her favorite show was "American Idol". That was a long time ago and that smug, British judge guy is still doing his thing. As a consumer I watch American Idol to see the talent, I have never gained an appreciation for the part Simon plays in the show.

British humor is hard to sell in America and he's not funny. People in the US barely watch Monty Python. If you are supposed to like him for his personality, that's a negative and it certainly isn't for his good looks. Wearing those tight t-shirts is difficult to witness, listening to his barbs a bore. When the weather is nippy he has "bing tips" like a cheerleader and rolls his eyes if someone turns up the heat. I agree, it is time to go.

I watched Larry (Teflon) King where he interviewed the whole cast, Ryan Seacrest, Ellen Degeneres, Randy Jackson, Kara DioGuardi, and of course the lovable Simon Cowell who was explaining why it was a good time to leave.That is usually when the door is hitting you in the ass. He didn't sound nice at all or play the game of appreciation. I came, I conquered, I'm going. That's it. It's the first war the British have won in a while.

Watching this guy has been a pleasure. No, re-phrase…Watching this guy leave town will be a pleasure. Larry King needs to find a way to interview himself.

This Smackum Award goes to Simon Cowell for sticking his finger up at America with his other hand in our pockets.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Ben Roethlisberger suspended from Steelers games for being a bad date

I don't have a daughter. If I did I would hide her from Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger immediately. You would think having two Super Bowl rings and millions of dollars that Ben would hook up with a honey just like he does wide receivers. In this part of life he has not read the playbook, his passes are incomplete and he doesn't know when to use the brakes.

You can't teach charm. Some guys can get girls by just standing there. I remember reading a description of Gino Vanelli, the singer of "I just want to stop". They said his hair was still blowing even after he entered the room. Dude was a chick magnet. Ben would try to impress a girl by eating boogers, frying ants, stomping spiders, tripping old ladies or opening his mouth showing a half eaten sandwich. He treats girls like a young teenager...stupid, awkward. It's a vibe thing, it must be frustrating. All the movies always show the quarterback with a hot blonde and a mini-me love child. Big Ben is one of those poor bastards that couldn't get laid with a fist full of fifties.

People were mad at Tiger Woods and Jesse James because they were married. Ben is single and is still taking some serious heat. At least he wasn't caught wearing women's underwear like Marv Albert or holding hands in the men's room like Larry Craig. Ben just doesn't know how to get women, he is about as smooth as sandpaper. He would fit in with steelworkers balancing on a girder whistling at ladies that ignore them like pigeons. Unlovable Ben will get six weeks away from football to think about it probably ruining their Super Bowl chances in 2010. Maybe he should take the time and go to charm school.

This Smackum! Award goes to Ben Roethlisberger for being a really bad date and having no class.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Snooki Polizzi poses with her lips out Daffy Duck style

I tuned in "Jersey Shore" a few times, but quickly got bored of watching a bunch of airheads fight over a jacuzzi. I happened upon an interview with Snooki on a talk show. For certain she will never get arrested for substance abuse, because there was very little substance to abuse. She said that she always believed that she would be famous. I'm glad Snooki is living her dream, but I am trying to figure out what she has going other than luck and a set of duck lips. 

She does make a great cartoon character, I had to draw it. Her shape is sort of Danny Devito like with fake tits and a spray tan. That bubblehead hair-do is a classic. When she is in her forties be prepared for a Kirstie Alley style, "Snooki Ate Some Cookies Show".  My guess "The Situation" will eventually use his washboard abs to wash clothes, "DJ" will sell hair products on infomercials. I can't remember anyone else on the show by name. I'm sure we'll see them soon on "Intervention", "Dancing with the Stars" or "The Celebrity Apprentice".

I don't blame them.  If someone found my no talent ass as a teenager and paid me to party, I would have done it. I hope they are saving their money.

This Smackum award goes to Snooki Polizzi for just being Snooki and sticking her lips out like Daffy Duck.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Kate Gosselin is still in the running for "Best in Show" on "Dancing with the Stars"

A movie that I have found entertaining is "Best in Show". While the main character (Eugene Levy) walks in the dog competition, the announcer points out that he has two left feet. (literally) This brings up Kate Gosselin in Dancing with the Stars. She is more dog show material than Ginger Rogers dancing double. It is so bad that you have to watch. 

Being an artist, deciding to draw a face is a commitment. You look for keys that make the subject unique. Part of the problem drawing Kate Gosselin is that she changes her damn hairstyle every other day. I drew her wearing her signature "multi-mom mullet bob" so you could recognize her. Of course, if she starts dancing you'll know who it is after she trips.

She just went on Larry King (who is getting divorced AGAIN) and let him know that she doesn't know how Jon is making money. She is banking big cash on book tours and TV gigs while home boy owes her 20 grand a month and is oblivious to his situation. Damn, talk about a good idea gone bad.

Like Larry I have been divorced more than once. Thinking back, I wish I never went to the disco. That was wife one. However they met, if Jon could go back in time he'd probably wish he stayed home watching Dancing with the Stars through his fingers.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Jerry Jones rips Tebow and Parcells in cellphone video tirade

In his later years my father used to tell me, "don't get old". His statement was about the physical decline involved in aging, but there is more to getting old than arthritis and Wilfred Burnley commercials. To illustrate this divide I bring up the case of Jerry Jones.

Old buzzards aren't hip to today's electronic devices. Ask most retiree's if they would be fine listening to albums and the answer would be yes. Further generations feel that their gadgets are the norm, gauged by their perception at 18. Today's youth will grow old grasping iPod's, bouncing their heads under hoodies causing laughter to their children in future years. As a note, If you know someone collecting 8-track tapes and listens to them, call the authorities.

Jerry Jones is closing in on 70 and has not learned the lesson that the owners wish their players would learn. That would be "staying out of trouble".  Jerry Jones got busted eating a cowboy boot sandwich because he forgot that everybody with a cellphone is a potential reporter.

Listening to him, he may have been drinking, but he didn't speak with a forked tongue. Tim Tebow is going to have to beg to get a snap in an NFL game and Bill Parcells isn't a nice guy. But shouting that into a cellphone in a bar isn't good PR.

I give Jerry Jones a Smackum Award for smacking himself with a cellphone video tirade.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

In a colorful move TBS mixes red and brown with Conan O'Brien and George Lopez

It has been interesting watching late night television change post Johnny Carson. Johnny owned the time slot. I remember being a kid trying to stay awake till the end, eventually snoozing during an Ed McMahon laughing fit. There were only 9 channels on antenna TV at that time. Cable, the internet and Tivo has changed time slot programming, but the late night audience still exists. A segment of society still likes a variety show at 11:00. Letterman is pretty low key, Leno is Leno. Seems like a good time for Conan to make a bold move.

In amazing fashion O'Brien made sure that Lopez doesn't feel Conanized by being bumped back an hour and joining TBS. Lopez approves the move to a midnight show and believes that their combined hair will be a tremendous asset.

I remember seeing an interview with Ted Turner many years ago when he bought the rights to black & white movies that he later had colorized. People were up in arms, questioning his right to colorize saying he ruined the films with the process.

With his classic southern twang, (with "i" sounding like "EYE" ) He told the reporter, "I believe I own those movies!"  TBS is making a colorful move teaming George Lopez and Conan O'Brien. This proves Ted Turner likes brown and red. They are complimentary colors, nice.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

5 reasons why Trucknutz should be swinging under Tiger Wood's trailer hitch

Riding my bike the other day I noticed something shiny dangling under a truck's bumper. At first, I thought it was trailer hitch. To my dismay it was a set of chrome testicles purposely displayed to promote thought.

OK TruckNutz, you win. Six of us (four women, two men) tried to figure out why someone would want to show the world a set of their McNuggets under a truck bumper so perilously close to speed bump disaster. I have applied them to Tiger's situation.

Here is a list of 5 reasons why TruckNutz would be swaying under Tiger Wood's trailer hitch. You know, the true meaning of why Tiger would drop to his knees and install a $40 set of chrome testicles to his ride.

It means:

1) Ego

This would mean Tiger has balls!

2) Elin shops at Amazon

Elin ordered them online and installed them herself as a monogamy reminder

3) "Sexual Predator" warning

Metal scraping testicles with sparks would warn potential victims from blocks away

4) (optional) Blue Balls

Representing what Tiger will have for the next 5 years if he stays married

5) Brass Balls

Big brass balls are necessary to convince the public that cheating on your wife is a treatable disease.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Tiger Wood's dad demands answers from heaven

Tiger is back on course and everybody's happy. Too bad Nike didn't get the message. The black and white Tiger commercial is really depressing. He's got every chick in town mad at him, an angry wife, plus his dead dad is chewing him out from heaven. That's messed up.

Thinking about it, corporations suck at times. NIke probably made Tiger's dad read that line years ago just in case Tiger screwed up in the future. Wow, this is starting to sound like an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.

Sad-faced Tiger shots are a bummer, but they may be the norm for a while. Every night when comes home he must first park his SUV. (not near the tree) Then he will walk inside, remove his cap and bend over. Then Elin will tee-off on his noggin with a 12" frying pan. The "bong" noise and scream will be audible for 3 square blocks every night on the hour. That treatment over a period of time will make you think you are hearing your dead Dad's voice and definitely wipe the cheese grin off your so busted face.

Nike has to get this SmackumApp Award for resurrecting a deceased relative to help resurrect a struggling brand.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Rod Blagojevich proves on the Celebrity Apprentice that he doesn't know "Ship" from "Shinola"

Being an entrepreneur, I have watched Donald Trump's Apprentice show since season 1. In the beginning, it was a good business lesson. Contestants would blow it in one way or another reminding you of the intricacies forgotten in daily business dealings.

After a few years the show's appeal had faded and they went the celebrity route. Some of the people chosen for the show are not expected to succeed, like Darryl Strawberry and Dennis Rodman. Trump picks them as contestants fully knowing they will crash and burn. Speaking of which, many of the projects Trump has been involved in have crashed and burned as well. He is not immune to business loss. A loud voice and a multi-leveled hair weave only goes so far.

His choice for stars this season includes Cindy Lauper and Rocket Rod Blagojevich. Cindy Lauper's voice is so New York cartoon-like I thought I was watching "All in the Family" on a helium, but she's no dummy...then there is Rod Blagojevich.

People forget why he is famous. It is because he is a corrupt idiot. The guy tried to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat after he was elected, then could remember nothing when questioned. Jaywalkers get a tougher sentence than this empty suit. He should be in jail, instead he is on television pretending to be important. I applaud Donald Trump for putting this clown on TV so the public can watch first hand how little he knows.

Politicians represent the people. How can the "hair club for men" get elected spokesperson for the State of Illinois and not know how to send an e-mail. Even John McCain is hipper and he needs a new hip. Being digitally handicapped creates a huge gap between lawmaker and citizen. He believes that being lame is not a problem. This is proven with his vote approving the invasion of Iraq.

Trump must have picked him because of his clever political campaigns like Ryan is Ly'in and ignoring the fact he had the worst popularity rating ever for a politician. He ordered illegal (non FDA approved) flu vaccinations (later shipped to Pakistan and destroyed), banned kid's video games, withheld funds from a Children's Hospital, was involved in a dozen investigations and considers himself the first African American governor of Illinois. Black like Me? I don't think so. His aides carry a brush called "the football", just in case he needs to tease his afro bang. Just typing this crap makes me mad.

Why is this guy in charge of anything? I wouldn't trust that dork to pick up my dry cleaning. I just saw him reading ads dressed as a king on the George Lopez show. He is so stupid he doesn't even realize Lopez is using him as a joke.

This Smackum! Award goes to Rocket Rod Blagojevich for being stupid, corrupt and an absolute buffoon politician. If you ever voted for him you are a lemming.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Sex addiction therapy treatment turns Tiger toothless

Public scrutiny and performance anxiety can easily drive grown men into the arms of a Nazi, waffle waitress or porn star. No judgement here, that could happen to anybody. Just ask David Lettermen, Governor Mark Sanford, Jesse Jackson, Kobe on and on. But these days, immediately after being busted, celebrities check into a sexual rehab facility. To me, this brings up images of Leonardo DiCaprio on Shutter's Island.

Both Tiger Woods and Jesse James are receiving "treatment" but the rehab methods are not truly defined. I'm a cartoonist, so my visions of what goes on in these places is slightly skewed.

Do you make them hate sex? Or do you subject them to so much booty, that they become numb from the waist down? Let's see.

"Sexual Aversion Therapy"

Picture our heroes, eyes held open with toothpicks, wired up to electrodes that will shock their loins and confuse their brain. Graphic images will be flashed in a dark room showing Pamela Anderson…then a picture of Tiger's mother-in-law. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue?…inside is a centerfold of plumber's butt. "Girls Gone Wild" videos will be premiered where college coeds pull out books and actually study. Mean things, ugly things. You can imagine the tortures of a sexual addition clinic.

"Fake Porn Therapy"

Thinking they are about to watch porn, they are given a dose of Cialis and placed in parallel tubs holding hands. In a cruel twist, a giant flat screen plays Clash of the Titans (new and 1981 version), Clipper highlight reels, Battlefield Earth, Gigli, Kazaam, Water World, followed by the 2003 mega hit film, "From Justin to Kelly". You can just hear the noise of a slide whistle going down. Beeeeooooowwooop!  Excitement  lost, no wood.

"Spearmint Rhino" approach

Giant-necked bouncers lead Tiger and Jesse into private rooms where each is assigned a hostess with measurements resembling Barbie and an intellect sub-Paris Hilton. Deafening rock-n-roll music combining with cleavage and flashing lights will hypnotize the Dynamic Duo into believing that ALL girl's names end with an "i" and they care about you and your feelings. After 10 solid days of lap dances and constant bubblehead banter they will be begging to take out the trash or mow the lawn.

Elin and Sandra will soon be able to walk the streets with their high profile eunuchs with no fear of foul play. They will be toothless… No, more like boneless chickens, flopping around, fearing the colonel.

This Smackum Award goes to the new Dynamic Duo, Tiger Woods and Jesse James!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Tiger Woods plays Three Musketeers with Jesse James while eating Skittles

Tiger Woods and Jesse James have a lot in common. Both have had a lot of recent media exposure and are connected to the public with their personas and their deeds. In my mind, they should be bros. They definitely like the ladies. I would think they would have some great stories to share if they could just dodge the relentless paparazzi.

Here's my scenario about the upcoming Master's Tournament starring Tiger Woods.

He will do one more "pity me" interview and say that's the last "pity me" interview you will hear. He will say, " I'm sorry I got me some good booty, but I didn't kill anybody." This will be followed by golf. Everything will be going fine until the 18th hole. A drippy-nosed baby will sneeze while Tiger putts causing a miss. The scene will suddenly resemble 24. Helicopter gun ships will rise in the horizon, Tiger's caddy appears in karate attire kicking retirees in the dentures while a SWAT team takes over the tournament. Cue the head banging rock-n-roll music.

Being the outlaw that he is, Jesse James hops on one of his new chopper creations and rides on one wheel to Augusta to pick up Tiger Woods. Thanks to the new Grip-n-Ride, Tiger can hold onto Jesse and not look like his biker bitch. A helmet wouldn't be a bad idea either, just ask Ben Roethlisberger. Now that I think about it, Tiger should NOT talk to Ben Roethlisberger. He's got his own dating difficulties and doesn't know squat about motorcycles.

Jesse James therapy starts with a chopper ride, eating a hand full of Skittles and finishes with a healthy help'in of Bombshell McGee. Luckily for Tiger, Jesse doesn't like Hershey Bars. From what we hear he prefers Mounds and has no problem playing Three Musketeers after a night full of drinking.

This Smackum! Award has to go to Jesse James who is truly living up to his name, blowing it with an Oscar winner and checking into an anti-booty clinic after slapping some candy labeled ass!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Larry King drives Snoop Dogg's low-rider all IZZLE da LBC

Larry King has been on TV for 50 years. He is the voice of sensibility. I just saw him on TV with Snoop Dogg driving around town in Snoop's low rider.  It really looked funny.  It reminds me when you see a 65 year-old woman squished into a youngster's outfit after having a spray tan and a botox. Out of place and almost hard to watch.

I'm glad Larry was driving.  Snoop was really high. He spoke IZZLE language and Larry had no clue what he was talking about. Actually, it makes me like Larry King more.  No one to smack here. He looks like a bag of bones but has a great life for a guy in his late 70's.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Rush Limbaugh. It must be weird to hear what he thinks. (other than the circus music)

There is so much ammunition for a Rush Limbaugh Smackum! , I don't know what to say. Every era has it's Blow Hard. Unless you are quick with a remote control you eventually run into his antics. It must be weird to hear what he thinks. (other than the circus music) It's not his fault, he's been thumped in the head.

He likes the sound of his own voice and the reaction he gets by saying what redneck thinking jerks would normally keep to themselves. It's impossible, but I wish we could make him watch himself from an outsider's perspective. He would laugh.

It reminds me of the time Harry Perry approached me at Venice Beach. You know, the guy roller skating with an electric guitar that was on the Chevy commercials. We always joked he took off his turban and went back to a normal home with a wife and kids. I have that hope for Rush Limbaugh. It's all just an act. He can't really think like that. You would think he would get addicted to drugs or alcohol. Oh, that's behind him now. I'm just not sure his habit has left his neurons in good standing.

I just don't listen to his garbage. Same with Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber and all the current cartoon characters presented to us via the media 2010.

Someday there will be Tivo recognition technology that identifies characters you disdain and automatically changes the channel.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Drunken Jay Z fan spoons Pittsburgh redneck in search of warmth

I generally have been writing and drawing about celebrities or politicians. I heard about this story and it brought up some funny visuals. I pulled out the sketchbook like the old days. This sketch took about half an hour.

A guy living in Pittsburgh named Frank Fontana was home sleeping in his bed. Unknown to him Michael Karanja Kamau had been attending a Jay Z concert and had a few too many. He broke down two doors and crawled into bed next to Fontana under his leopard print sheets. Being the player that he is, Fontana had been expecting company. He says, "is that you, honey? Feeling a hand on his leg, delay…answer in a deep voice, "no it's not!".  My guess, Fontana's eyeballs resembled dodo eggs for a full 5 seconds.

He jumped out of his bed so hard he broke the floor. In one motion he called the cops, his neighbor and grabbed his baseball bat. After being arrested for trespassing and criminal mischief Kamau said that he was cold. This type of activity is why rednecks hate rap. I doubt Jay Z has lyrics urging his fans to jump in bed with white guys holding aluminum baseball bats. I picture Fontana being spooned by a grinning Kamau while his SUV bounces in his driveway running out of gas.

This Smackum! Award goes to Michael Kanrnja Kamau for being an absolute dumb ass.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Palin tweets for maverick McCain while a giant plywood baby catches speeders in Arizona

It's Senate seat election time and John McCain wants Sarah Palin to return the favor for making her famous.

Palin is who she is.  My question is, "what happened to the real John McCain? He used to be a credible maverick Republican. For a guy that resists change, the boy has changed. A year ago he didn't know Facebook from Shinola and now he is the king of Twitter. He adjusted to the future and is using it to his advantage.

People have gladly bought into paying a monthly fee for cable and cellphone. That wasn't a normal expense 25 years ago. That fee is taxed. Nobody is protesting, you just want your MTV. We have accepted the charges because it provides us entertainment and convenience. For most people, that represents at least $200 per month.

Why is health care reform so different? People will have access to a system that hasn't adjusted to the new world and it needs to be paid for. Many year's ago I was caught without insurance and had a devastating injury. Spend a week in county hospital and walk with a limp for 25 years. This argument is being fought by people with a government health plan. This does not give you a true perspective. There needs to be a government employee "Wife Swap" show. Take a politician and have him swap lives with a typical citizen. "Undercover Boss" with a government twist.

Republican complaints about Democrats usually end with "what happened to the real America?'. Well I just visited Arizona coincidently when Palin was in Phoenix stumping for the Mav. I was in the Phoenix Tempe, Scottsdale area checking out the Dodgers, A's and Giants. I must say I met great folks. Most were from other states but they gathered there, so I'll give Arizona the credit.

Being from California there are differences in traveling. First thing you notice are police SUV's with boom cameras 300 feet after a yellow sign warns you to say cheese. On the side of the road are cameras that snapped 40,000 tickets in the first two months they were installed. For a visitor, this gives you a defined "Big Brother" feel. The argument against Health Care was that is that it brought us closer to being a Communist state. This, "Big Brother" thing doesn't quite bring me back to the old west. It was interesting watching local residents with big trucks and testosterone. They knew where the cameras were. At the blind spots they gunned it enjoying freedom in 300 yard increments.

What's really weird is that leaving Arizona there is a huge plywood baby playing on the side of the I-10. Yes, I said a huge plywood baby. I didn't have time to take a picture but I wish I did. The baby is probably there to distract you like Sarah Palin. As you gawk you are photographed like a ride at Disneyland and mailed the invoice a few weeks later.

This Smackum! Award goes to John McCain for inventing Sarah Palin, installing Big Brother cameras and enslaving giant plywood babies.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Dr. Conrad Murray's hair is on fire for mis-handling Michael Jackson's health care

There are many types of doctor. Dr. Zhivago, Dr. Dre, Dr. Suess, Dr. Phil, Dr. Gupta, Doc Holiday, Julius Irving, Spin on and on.

Dr. Conrad Murray is more in the Frankenstein family.

Similar to (former NY Net) Jayson Williams who accidentally killed a guy with a shotgun while showing off for his friend's, started covering his tracks immediately. He stripped down to his scivvies and jumped in the pool to wash off the DNA. He told people to tell the cops that Cristofi committed suicide. Somehow he got a light sentence and will be out in a few years.

Dr. Murray had an opportunity to make some money and chose a risky client. I take it money talks and he was listening. He would give Michael his "milk" in the shape of propofol, a powerful sedative the gloved-one was addicted to. When he realized he was in trouble breathing, he took the time to hide his tracks rather than call for assistance. While Michael lay dying he was pre-planning his escape. Amazing what panic will do. That marrying a doctor thing doesn't sound so good in this case. This guy's greed and lack of medical ethics took the life of the King of Pop.

I see a public trial in the works. Could you imagine the drama. As Pops Jackson weeps and announces his next business venture, all the brothers will do a John Carlos wearing replica gloves that will be sold on E-Bay post trial. Cameras will show close-ups and photos of little Blanket playing with a Stun Gun. Aunt Katherine will be videoed thumbing through the Beatle's catalogue while working a calculator.

Watching a TV commercial about a new drug makes me think of Dr. Murray. You know the last part of the commercial where they tell you the bad news. May cause blindness in laboratory rats, pregnant women should not handle, induces vomiting, could cause liver displacement, kidney malfunction warnings. Scary stuff. People like him will take another's life in their hands for a little green. Sad. He's the doctor you want to call 4 hours after your Viagra keeps working, not the guy responsible for your breathing.

Dr. Murray is going to get some time to think about it. There are many of us who have lost relatives to medical malpractice. I hope this is at least a wake-up call for doctor's about to make a mistake. Maybe save a life.

This Smackum! Award goes to Dr. Conrad Murray who cost us the King of Pop.

Monday, March 22, 2010

"Shameful "John Boehner needs to soak off his spray tan in a "Hot Tub Time Machine"

Making fun of politicians is a slippery slope, especially when it involves lotion. You take the risk of angering about half the people that read your articles or look at your cartoons. Or in some cases, that's the entire Muslim world, including Jihad Jane. Today, my subject is John Boehner. pronounced (Bay-ner)

The nation is all about health care at the moment. I heard a good chunk of the session via satellite radio in my car. Listening to both sides is tough.  If you agree or disagree we don't exactly know what's coming.

What sucks for me is history and attention span. We can barely remember where the last disaster occurred or who is the last politician to cheat on his wife. We are inundated with this information and forget where we were as a country just a short time ago.

Prior to Obama's term, George Bush and Dick Cheney ran the country and sold us a war. If we disagreed with the program we were called anti-American or traitors. It was the shut up and go back to the mall years. Many Republicans were intent on fighting a war while the public focus was distracted by unbelievable loan availabilities. It seemed weird to be celebrating consumerism while we were at war in Iraq.

I listened to John Boehner say "Shame on you" to Democrats for wanting health care. Where was this guy when we were deciding to go to Iraq to kill people? Shame on him! He should have been calling out Dick Cheney and asking about Blackwater or asking Bush where the Iraqi nukes are being hidden. My guess he was in the tanning booth. I wonder as minority leader if he is just trying to tan his way to understanding and leadership.

I have heard more fervor from politicians over the health care issue than fighting a war where people die. Imagine if we had all the money and lives spent on Iraq aimed at the American health care system. Thinking about it though, that cash would have been spent on new SUV's or what is coming $5 dollar gas…again.

I know the world doesn't work like that. You can't get in a Hot Tub Time machine and change the past. But it would be great if politicians would fight not to fight as well as try to cure a broken health system.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Rielle Hunter does her own version of "Pants on the Ground"

Reille Hunter is an interesting character, to read, watch or draw. Usually when you mention blue eyes and blond hair your have visions of the typical peroxide model of our day. After drawing her, I can't say that she is attractive. Her mug is kind of long, she has a big nose and a crooked smile. I wouldn't give her a second look on the street with all the eye candy in LA.

I watched the video of her recent photo shoot. Talk about "pants on the ground", that's exactly where she left them. After taking all of these pictures she disapproves. Huh? This wasn't paparazzi, it was a pro shoot.

You wonder why John Edwards would get involved with someone like this. You can't avoid the Tiger Woods references. At least Tiger ruined his reputation dating good looking women. Edwards describes Hunter as a "crazy woman of ill repute". That is after he told her that "she's so hot" when they first met. My guess, he met her in the dark, woke up and did a coyote. But maybe not. From what I have heard, he did a pregnant video sex tape with Ms. Hunter, obviously a few months later. If I saw such a thing my libido would be lost forever. Hello Viagra.

Screw you John Edwards. Screw you for ruining a great illusion. That being a good looking, successful politician, husband and father. You were almost Vice President. You wanted your buddy Andrew Young to take the fall and hope she gets an abortion. Not to mention falsifying laboratory documents. Then you propose and buy a beach house. Damn!

Genetics shape your life. With her looks, and his brain, their daughter would make it as a building contractor or evil ruler of a futuristic society.

With his looks and her brain the kid will be dancing to circus music from now to eternity.

What really sucks is that she may read this article some day. I should arrange a Smackdown between Rielle Hunter and Elizabeth Edwards. That is one tough woman.

So this Smackum Award! goes to Rielle Hunter for being a home wrecker messing with a married man who's wife was battling cancer.



Saturday, March 20, 2010

Jesse James trades Oscar winning actress Sandra Bullock for Nazi chick Bombshell McGee

I remember watching the Celebrity Apprentice when Jesse James was on the show. It was apparent he had business savvy, a macho attitude and he wasn't willing to call all his rich friends to try to win the show like Clint Black. Overall he seemed like one of those rough exterior guys that loves his woman and flicks-off the rest of us. When I found out that he was married to Sandra Bullock I figured she liked guys with a tude and she's a little different.

When she won the Oscar for "The Blind Side" and the two of them pranced from the venue I do remember thinking, "that's pretty cool". The biker and the bus driver (Speed reference) did OK. Good for them.  Uh oh! I didn't know there was an Oscar version of the Sports Illustrated cover curse.

Now we seem to find out that there is another player in the Bullock / James game.  Her name is, believe it or not, Michelle "Bombshell" Mcgee. "Bombshell Mcgee? This sounds like a 40's comic book character or a cast member of Family Guy. To make things more interesting, she may be a White Supremacist. Most people that wear Swastika's do have some kind of attitude. If their ignorance level allows them to make videos and wear these symbols without knowledge of their meaning, fine. My guess is they know what they are doing and believe in the basics of Nazi thinking.

This doesn't mean the Jesse James is a Nazi, he just likes to screw a Nazi chick. Looking at it, I'm not that surprised. I would expect him to be with an edgy woman with leather boots and tattoos. It's just another example of the little head leading the big head. But, Bombshell Mcgee? Wow!

Sandra Bullock has a part in this. She made him jealous hanging out with a big black man, then she caressed a statue. If I was Jesse I would probably do the same thing. Find a Nazi chick named "Bombshell McGee" and show her who's boss. If she would have paid more attention to him he would not have been forced to do a Sanford/Edwards/Kobe/Letterman/Tiger/Clinton...Yeah, right.

This Smackum! Award goes to Jesse James for ruining his marriage to an Oscar winner by screwing a Nazi chick named, "Bombshell McGee".

Friday, March 19, 2010

JaMarcus Russell makes us miss the days of Lamonica and Plunkett

Reports of JaMarcus Russell being missing have been circulating around the football world. I'm not talking about 2010, his face has been on the side of milk cartons since 2007.

He swung a deal with Al Davis paying him $68 million dollars over six years, $31.5 guaranteed. That's AFTER he held out and missed training camp. He finished his rookie season with a whopping 36 completions in 66 attempts. That was worth $10.1 million dollars? I don't think so.

I played ball growing up. Like any kid I wished I could be a pro. Talent wise I was a good local athlete. That's it. To grow up and be 6-5, 255 and run a sub 5-second 40 is quite impressive. SEC Player of the Year, ALL-SEC, Manning Award. I can see why Al Davis mortgaged the ranch.

Physically the man is a freak. You shouldn't be that big and be able to throw the ball, yet he can. Unfortunately the cerebral part of the game has seemed to have escaped him. An interview from JaMarcus has a Jethro Bodine feel to it. You know, a little country mixed with some Beverly Hills bling minus the checkered shirt. JaMarcus would actually be 6'8" if not for the weight of his 5-carat earrings.

So 2010 is the time for redemption. All those miscues, interceptions and fumbles are behind him.  The bad news is he also has 271 pounds behind him as well. Like Chris Carter would say, "come on, man!". You take the big money, stink up the field and show up to camp the size of a lineman? Where is your leadership and pride?

Who knows. If I was in his size 18's I could be oblivious to my opportunity. His size and skill may have peaked in college. Can we say Ryan Leaf? Actually, that's messed up, he isn't Ryan Leaf.

The closest Subway is thrilled. $30 million can buy a lot of cheese steak sandwiches. Instead of plays, he wears a menu on his wrist. He uses the helmet communicator to call in his orders purposely neglecting a lunch for Tom Cable. This as well as numerous interceptions, fumbles and miscues will cost him his job as the starter. He'll have lots of pine time to polish his diamonds and chow extra large Phillies while Losman and Gradkowski make us miss the days of Lamonica and Plunkett. 

This Smackum! Award goes to JaMarcus Russell for pushing ego and cash in front of the love of the game.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Anderson Cooper eating cookies off the top of his head!

If you watch TV, you can't help running into an Anderson Cooper 360 commercial. I don't normally watch him, I'm not a big CNN fan. I wondered where he came from. Now that I do some research I see that he is the son of writer Wyatt Emory Cooper and heiress Gloria Vanderbilt.  That's some impressive genetic engineering. He went to Yale, modeled for Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren. Somehow I kind of missed this guy, but dude's been busy. 

From an outsider's perspective it reminds me of American Idol when they had that old looking guy in the contest. Not the pants on the ground guy, the white-haired singer that no one has heard from since. Anderson Cooper is credible, comes from a great background, traveled the world and has gray hair that makes him look older. The really old guys in the boardroom are high fiving their choice.

Somehow, the only time I really watched him, he and a bimbo were in a contest trying to eat a cookie off the top of their heads without using their hands.

I know they are trying to make him look like a regular guy, but it kind of reminded me of being at a school fair. Watching him do that cookie tongue thing really sucked.  I would have preferred a dunk tank, playing the shell game or eating live goldfish.

This Smackum! Award goes to Anderson Cooper for munching Oreos off the top of his silver noggin and I unfortunately watched it.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Howard Stern gabs about Gabby Sidibe

The Oscars are over and the world is focused on new things. Some of the images from the show make it memorable. I can remember Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin wearing Snuggies, Kathryn Bigelow from the Hurt Locker standing up over and over and countless shots of Gabourey Sidibe from Precious smiling big.

The next day Howard Stern said, "that's the most enormous, fat black chick I’ve ever seen." Shame on you Howard Stern! Shame on you for saying what everybody was thinking after she engulfed our TV screens. Not her fault. The producer picked shots that were so tight, my HD was all face. Then they repeated the shot 10 times.

I personally did not know who she was, I didn't see the movie. I have to say, my immediate response was similar to Howard Stern's, but I didn't say anything. Like many people, I silently judged her for her size. Everyone has family members that struggle with their weight. There can be many reasons for their size and we should not judge. Howard's insights are correct, it would be better for her health if she was smaller. Duh.

So no, this Smackum! award doesn't go to Howard Stern, it goes to Mike Browne (me) for thinking what Howard said.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Crazy red-haired Kanye West lady at the Oscars

This year I went to a friend's house in to watch the Oscars. I normally don't pay attention to award shows but I went for the party. I am impressed that Doogy Howser (Neil Patrick Harris) performed a duet alone. A perfect example of "the show must go on".

The show had been on a while and was beginning to drag. Music producer Roger Ross Williams was giving an acceptance speech for a Zimbabwe film (Prudence) that had a bit of baggage. As Williams spoke, the stage was rushed by Elinor Burkett, William's partner in the film. She ranted about this and that as Williams stood shocked. It immediately reminded me of Kanye West. Burkett should have yelled that "Beyonce made the best video of all time". She has already been dubbed, the "crazy red-haired Kanye West lady" before I finished drawing her face.

It ends up she wanted to go up on stage earlier but William's mother was standing on her dress. They are in a lawsuit over the film. It was supposed to be about a group and she was trying to communicate that to the audience. To us, it looked like the woman had lost her mind, when in reality she is a woman scorned. Whether she was right or wrong in her argument I can see having a problem watching someone that you are suing get an Oscar.

My problem is that she wasn't wearing aviator sunglasses when she stormed the stage. Using the magic of Illustrator and Photoshop I have corrected her error. What's also funny is that the situation of someone barging in, is now titled a "Kanye".

This Smackum Award goes to the crazy red-haired Kanye West lady, who is now famous,  Elinor Burkett!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

celebrity cartoon blog,Governor David Paterson in trouble for ethics violations and the mis-use of his Johnson

Just when New Yorker's thought that they would never miss Eliott Spitzer, David Paterson gets involved in yet another scandal. Fresh off ethics charges, he demands tickets as a gift to see the Yankees play in the World Series. New York has gift restrictions when it comes to politicians, he knows that. The tickets cost $450 street value. He'll pay an $80,000 fine. At least they won, but that's some pricey pinstripe when you can stay home and see it for free.

You think, he's the governor, what's a few tickets? When they are towing your car for being an inch in the red it is because of rules. Paterson didn't follow them so he shouldn't be shocked.

He is involved in the original (non Palin) Troopergate. Just a little witness tampering in a Halloween costume incident. It involved a guy with a 6' 7" Johnson. Actually it was a guy named Johnson that is 6' 7", but the former made a better story and got your attention.

On his first day as governor, his wife nods in agreement as he tells the world that they both had affairs and were equal scum bags. Again, it's about his Johnson. Pre-damage control? To me, this was a bad sign. I guess he and his cheating wife both signed divorce papers to be used in case of fire. To add fuel to that blaze, he lobbied to bailout Lehman Brothers and loosened restrictions on AIG. That's some good insight David…sorry.

To enrage the iPod audience he supported a 4% tax on digital music called the iTax. He wanted to add 4% tax to haircuts, weight loss, satellite TV, shoes under $500, fishing, camping and add tolls to city owned bridges.

He also wanted free tickets.

I'm on pins and needles to see who shows up next to be New York's governor. Hannibal Lecter? Mark Sanford? Bozo the Clown? Whoever does show up will be hearing circus music.

This Smackum! Award goes to former governor David Paterson who deserves a smack for being a Yankee fan.

List of TEN JOBS that BABIES should NOT do for their parents

An air traffic controller named Glenn Duffy brought his two kids to work and had them direct planes on the runway. He thought it would be cute. I can kind of see his thought process.  Watching commercials, children and puppies combined with some tweedle-dee music means things are happy. He was just going with the flow.

Some of the pilots played along thinking it was "career day" at the airport. Others probably thought that dude was sucking helium or something illegal.  Oh, what about the children?

Forget the children, there are hundreds of passengers on a plane and you are going to have a little diaper pooper direct a jumbo jet?  Wholly Moly!  That little girl has only been speaking English for a year. Obviously this guy never heard of Ronald Reagan. Back in the 80's traffic controllers wanted a raise. Reagan fired them. If the request was more Pampers they might still have their jobs.

Well, this isn't a "Balloon Boy" story, but I hope the FAA kicks this guy to the curb or we might start seeing some kids in power scenes that could get disturbing. Here's a few scenarios.

List of TEN JOBS that BABIES should NOT do for their parents

1) Candy Inspector - Inventory reveals foul play. Face covered in chocolate a baby twiddles his thumbs, looks in the air and whistles.

2) Waitress - You hear, "Can I take your order?" in baby talk. You expect to see some bubble head with an apron scribbling your order. Instead, it's her baby writing with crayons on your table cloth.

3) Bus Driver - As you get on the bus you see a tyke driving in a leaky diaper sitting on a phone book. He tries to stop at Toys R Us stores…but he can't reach the brake.

4) Dentist - It's time for your Novacaine shot. Just as the dentist is about to spray that weak topical anesthetic before the needle, junior steps up and uses a super soaker numbing your whole head.

5) Surgeon - Doctors on TV always turn on music during an operation. As you are counting backwards you hear a station change to Disney Radio. His daughter enters the operating room driving a "Barbie Corvette" with her hands raised in the air, scrubbed ready to operate.

6) Undertaker - They are about to bury Uncle Jimmy. Everyone is crying. Instead of digging a hole with heavy equipment, two babies in stove top hats dig with plastic shovels.

7) Talk Show Host - You turn on late night TV. Instead of Leno, a 3 year-old, who you can't understand attempts to interview Meryl Streep while drooling. 

8) Priest - You go to mass. Instead of priests, children are doing all the work. Oh!…they do that already, they are called "alter boys". My bad. Anyway, you are in confession and you bare your soul, begging the heavens forgiveness for numerous discrepancies. Unknown to you, your whole dialogue has already been published on YouTube. Kids.

9) Toyota Mechanic - Being that they are small, your Toyota mechanic lets junior tighten the bolts that are hard to reach, like the throttle.

10) Politician - You call your local politician and all you hear is whimpering and crying. No one notices any difference

This Smuckum! Award goes to Glenn Duffy for allowing his children to direct air traffic.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Forget O.J., Sam Waterston had the best performance in "Capricorn 1". No joke!

When you think of actors in the 1978 government cover-up movie, "Capricorn 1", most people remember OJ Simpson and James Brolin.

Here's a quick recap of the movie.  Elliot Gould plays a reporter chasing the story of 3 astronauts the government plans to make disappear after faking a moon landing. They manage to escape their captures and head in different directions. One of them will make it back to society and prove that those son-of-a-bitches set them up. They would shoot a flare when caught. 

OJ goes down first. In one of his best performances ever he bakes in the afternoon sun on his hands and knees eating dirt, staring into the sun believing he sees birds. They were helicopters from Haliburton equipped with machine guns. As agreed he set off a flare to let the others know he was about to be killed. Poof..bang!

James Brolin faked out the choppers, finds cover in a cave inhabited by a rattle snake and wins the battle. Then in "Man vs. Wild"style, he eats snake sushi. Elliot Gould will save him with a crop duster plane piloted by Teli Savalis, eventually delivering him to a press gathering eulogizing all three astronauts.

The performance that is lost is Sam Waterston. Yes, the same guy from Law & Order. His character cannot finish a joke, he never gets to the punchline. During his desert ordeal, his mountain to climb… is a mountain to climb. They start the scene at the bottom. He starts telling a joke. The scene goes on for about fifteen minutes and he still hasn't finished the joke. Just as he reaches the top and he's almost punchline. If there was one, I couldn't hear it over the grunting. Haliburton helicopters. Poof…bang! Dangit!

This Smackum! Award goes to Sam Waterston for taking an agonizing climb in 1978 and making it unbearable.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Olympic cross-country skiing race should include hungry bears

The Canada vs United States hockey game was on and it was a great game. Crosby grabbed the gold medal with an overtime winner, they were very happy. Good for you Canada, well played. 

The next sport on TV was cross-country skiing. About 50 guys in neon skin tights skate 50K up and down hills around trees, for about five hours. I was starting to feel a nap coming on. Three of us were watching the competition, so we came up with a new twist. Have the 50 guys take off wearing Slim Jim meat vests with a 5-minute lead…then release a hungry bear.

Much like nature would have it, the slow guys would be eliminated naturally… well, kind of.

Back to hockey. Watching all the professional hockey players celebrating made me think of Jim Thorpe. They took away his gold medals 100 years ago because he played semi-professional baseball. These hockey guys were a bunch of highly paid All-Star professional athletes and now it is fine. Shame.

The Olympics are over, that's it for the Vancouver. I'll remember the guy that died, many US skiing medals and wolves with glowing eyes gnawing on the limbs of slow moving cross-country skiers.

This Smackum! Award goes to the International Olympic Committee in 1912 for taking away and returning Jim Thorpe's gold medals.  Again, messing with the Indian.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Carly Simon's "Your so vain" song is about vampires!

Carly Simon is no spring chicken. In her day she was quite a catch. She was musically talented, had nice hair, a massive smile and she looked pretty good in a sweater. Chris Christopherson Warren Beatty, Mick Jagger, David Geffen, David Bowie, David Cassidy, David Frost and any other David in the vicinity, gladly lined up to be the potential inspiration for her next song.

38 years ago she wrote "You're so vain". Now there is a re-make being done. She is running a contest on her site, inviting filmmakers to make a video. She is amused that she is still asked about who's in the the song. Amused…she's running a CONTEST! Heck, She likes it.

The big secret over all these years is that she never officially identified who the true inspiration was for the song. I always heard it was Warren Beatty, but I thought he got run down riding a bike in a tunnel? Oh, that was in "Heaven can wait". I have another theory. I think Carly was way ahead of her time.

Like most TV shows these days, Carly's big smile was actually hiding narly vampire fangs. When she sang about being vain it wasn't about being smug and aloof, it was about the blood supply available in the carotid artery. That is why all these stars couldn't get her out of their minds. They were twice bitten and are under her spell. All those guys wore turtleneck sweaters a lot, in fact, so did she. The original song title was "Your so VEIN", you know, true blood, vampire diaries stuff. She changed the title to "VAIN" to catch some Davids. The good part is that she is always on time... she doesn't spend much time in front of the mirror. (that's a vampire joke)

So I'll give Carly Simon a Smackum! Award for possibly being Vampira and not revealing who the hell she has been singing about for almost 40 years.

She'll never tell, it would end her career and her blood supply.

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Canadian women's hockey team criticized for booze/cigar celebration

Watching the news last night the TV anchors were all over the Canadian women's hockey team. They were a bad example for children because they celebrated their gold medal with booze and cigars. Number one, they are in CANADA!…Canadians make great beer!  My guess, at the arena they sold about 3 million Molson's during the game and another billion from people seeing it on TV. Pouring alcohol on each other has been a sports tradition since the gladiators in Rome. Though it may have been a short lived celebration, even the slaves that survived got to drink some Ripple on the Coliseum floor after surviving a home win. The skaters had the cigars in their mouths, this wasn't a Monica Lewinsky situation.

Society is so hypocritical. Every venue that has a license sells beer. Fine wine and quality champagne is treasured and advertised worldwide. The Canadian women experienced an incredible feat on their home turf and drank some booze while hugging each other AFTER the arena is empty.  My goodness. If all the women got drunk and pulled off their tops a la Brandi Chastain (with a Janet Jackson twist) in front of the crowd, then we are talking a story. There was no Justin Timberlake sighting, things were under control.

My guess, all the people angry about their celebration are jealous and drunk. Hiccup…doze wimmunz shoulbm't be dwink'in like that, ik's a bab axe handle! They tell us drink booze and celebrate life every day of your life. These women did exactly that and got busted for doing so.

This Smackum! Awards goes to any news source pushing the negative side of the women's Canadian hockey team celebration. Most critics have a copy of the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue next to their half filled Budweiser bottle on their desk. It's like David Letterman criticizing Tiger Woods or Bill Clinton for talking smack about Elliot Spitzer, not credible. These are not times of prohibition, many people make money from the sale of alcohol.

The press would have preferred that a drunken hockey wench ran down a limping nun.

Top Ten Celebrity websites February 2010

This blog is a reflection of the times. Many of the people that win a Smackum! award are featured in OMG, TMZ, People etc. etc. Here is a list of the top 10 celebrity websites!  For some reason, crashes my browser. So any rumors from TMZ are only a rumor.

Some sites get over 12 million views per month!

US -

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Gloria Allred wants Tiger to apologize to jilted porn star

Media glorifies (pardon the pun) certain individuals when the ship hits the fan. Depending on the situation, the same cast shows up like a low budget disaster movie. You know, like Treat Williams films with the little Hispanic chick that's always the pilot. These days if you have a moral problem, Oprah has the advice to fix your sex life, Larry King interviews the perpetrator, Dr.Phil tells you why he did it and Dr. Sanjay Gupta will give us the medical breakdown. All high-profile legal affairs almost always involve Gloria Allred.

When I say affairs, I mean affairs.  She represented Paula Jones after she was jilted by Bill Clinton and now backs a porn star that Tiger didn't mention in his will. This is a woman who has pioneered woman's rights, fought for Holocost survivors, rape victims and pregnant inmates. It is obvious her favorite client is a woman in need of an apology.

Ask John Schmitz about her $10 million suit for calling her a "biatch".  She settled for $20,000 and an apology. She went after Rob Lowe for sexual harassment and sued an airline regarding a nipple ring humiliation. She made Michael Jackson cry and called out the Octomom. Now that Tiger Woods has a lineup of jilted mistresses Gloria has taken the cause of a porn star named Veronica Siwik-Daniels who wasn't on Wood's Poontang "A" list and wants public mention that she did him on the green. Or for the green…we'll see. Gloria is shown comforting Daniels as she cries in a photo. My best description is "boo hoo" - "there there".

I'm no psychologist, but I would would guess that some bully made Gloria's life a living hell with a false accusation leading to her school suspension from 2nd grade. She vowed from her cell to right all wrongs, especially those involving an apology from a wiener crazed celebrity.

Her next case awaits, SeaWorld will be suing Tilikum the whale for posing as Shamu and killing her 40 year-old trainer. SeaWorld would like a formal apology from the Orca.

This Smackum! award goes to Gloria Allred for continuously demanding celebrity apologies!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Curling - like watching paint dry

It is late February and the Winter Olympics are on. It is a nice treat every 4 years. Being from southern California, the Summer Olympics are much bigger in my mind. I don't ski or skate very often. These days I row and ride. But back to the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. There first bad luck was the Al Gore curse. Due to global warming of some kind, a place that is usually cold is unusually warm. The games started with a Luge racer flying 90 miles an hour into a pole. That sucked. For some reason Americans are winning the skiing events including Bode Miller who everybody wanted to see crash. Shaun White did his thing in the half-pipe, that's great. 

What has been on TV with non-stop coverage?…Curling!

This hasn't been a couple of minutes then let's go to the slopes. Your talking non-stop coverage with two announcers reacting like it's the Super Bowl. I don't know who to smack, the bald guy jetting around like a tyke on wheeled shoes or all the people watching the match in Canada that went crazy when they won a match. They interviewed a USA women's team member who was near tears. By now I am crying for some real action myself.

When they show the curling guys playing frozen carums all bent over and serious I want to run for the remote control. Listening to people say "whoa" in multiple languages is fascinating. I wonder if they scrub people's floors out of habit when they drop by? Do they hate vacuums? 

The Chinese guy is only at 64%. He should be ashamed according tho the announcer. What?

I miss the Roone Arledge days with Wide World of Sports. That's how I knew skiing as a kid. Those horns would play and they would say of the "thrill of victory and the agony of defeat". Then a guy comes flying down the mountain and crashes into the crowd at break neck speed.

I'm watching a bald guy push a stone with a stick. This sucks.

My Corporate Smackum! Award goes to CNBC for featuring a boring sport while others are ignored.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

A heartfelt Tiger Woods Poem

Tiger you blew it
you cried with your mom
she knows you like porn stars
brunettes in a thong

your'e angry we mock you
start rumors and lies
I agree, you got booty
but nobody died

like O.J. you're guilty
that you admit
in your case, thank God
you wore a glove and it fit

you fancy the Jaimee's
old Cougars, and Rist
a Grand Slam with Mindy
cakes, eggs and sausage
if you get my gist

Kalika in Vegas
Loredana for big buck
He likes girls that pose for money
have big boobs and will $@%#

Gillette, Nike, EA and Accenture
are sick he got busted on his girly adventure
now Playboy, Maxim or Trojan will bag ya
sell pills like Cialis, Extenze or Viagra

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Tiger Woods admits, "the devil made me do it!"

Tiger was hoping that with all the numbskull moves that celebrities and politicians have made over the past few months, the public would forget about his antics. Unfortunately he is one of the most recognizable people on the planet so the news media has been ready since he hit the tree. He is going to reveal to the public in his own private way why we have not seen him on the golf course. It is a press conference minus the press. Satellite coverage that will show a private moment. Hmmmm.

What we will hear should sound something like "blah, blah blah. I'm sorry, I've let you down. My fans deserve better and so does my family. I apologized from the bottom of my heart, so please leave me alone."  That is expected.  What is he going to do, get up and say, "I did all them hoes backwards and forwards up and down, and I LIKED IT!"  Did you see the whipped cream video!…I don't think so.

What people don't know is that Tiger is just a newer version of Joe Hardy from "Damn Yankees". I have always thought that anyone that can do that with a golf ball must have sold his soul to the devil. Having warmed up on Dave Letterman, the devil found bigger prey. He knew Tiger could be bought, he drove a Buick for money.

He would let Tiger travel the world, score major babes, plus have a family life with beautiful children and a doting wife. AND he gets paid millions to play golf!  Man, who wouldn't sign up for that. There has to be a catch. The problem all started with a lesson and a bet. If Tiger would teach the devil how to putt, he would get his wish.

A slight adjustment to his stance as well as holding his tail still resulted in plop after plop from all over the green. Betting on the next shot, the devil taps it from 75 feet away. It rolls up a small hill, dances over some leaves, rides on top of a stick, avoids a rabid squirrel, slides down the fringe and makes a hard left to the hole. Both the devil and Tiger were mesmerized by the little white ball's journey. It rotates eight more times and stops one revolution short of a miracle. Tiger says, "Ain't life a bitch?"

Wish granted.

This Smackum! Award goes to the devil for smack'in Tiger Woods right in the middle of a great career.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Airhead on flight throws hay maker at Mitt Romney!

Mitt Romney probably still has his heart set on running for president but for right now he's thinking about the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. While on a return flight, a passenger lost his mind when Romney asked him to move his seat to the upright position. The hillbilly yelled, "Them's fight'in words where I come from." and proceeded to throw some hay makers at the White House hopeful. Romney ducked the punches quicker than questions on abortion, illegal immigration and same sex marriage. Being a religious pro-gun advocate he had the man shot in a non-life threatening area upon landing.

This Smackum! Award goes to Mitt Romney for avoiding a mile high Smackum, keeping his head and arranging for retaliation through back door methods.

Jim Rome vs. Jim Everett - a vintage '94 Sports Show Smackum!

Back in 1994, Los Angeles Ram quarterback Jim Everett was a guest on Jim Rome's sport interview show before there were clones. I was a Ram fan back then. I would watch Jim Everett play and saw him go from possibly being the next Joe Montana to melting down and sacking himself against San Francisco. I remember saying "step forward, Jimmy" whenever he would throw off his back foot, which was often. The Rams were OK, but not great, even with Eric Dickerson in the backfield.

Getting back to Jim Rome. He has matured and is a respected sports showman now, but people forget that he was a smug, annoying interviewer when he first started out. Chris Everett was a very popular female tennis player at the time and Rome would refer to Jim Everett as "Chris". Jim Everett was invited to be a guest on Jim Rome's show which he accepted. At first, things seemed friendly. Then Rome called him Chris like he had many times before. Everett warned Rome to stop or they would have a discussion out back. There was a delay, Rome smirked and called him "Chris" again. This is where the Smackum happened.

Jim Everett overturned the table that was between them. Rome fell back on his butt. The QB stood over him asking "what?" You can't blame Everett, he warned him.

This Smackum! award goes to Jim Everett for his 1994 beat down of Jim Rome on national TV. 

Monday, February 15, 2010

François "Papa Doc" Duvalier, Haiti's first earthquake

At the moment, the biggest disaster that celebrities are lending their faces to is Haiti. I have mixed feelings. Many actors show up for the big ones but are silent for the small ones. I question if some see Haiti as an opportunity for self-promotion and tax deduction rather than a heart felt action to help those in need. Matthew McConaughey is a great example of walking the walk. He has stayed focused on New Orleans long after it has been fashionable.

One of the reasons that Haiti is devastated from the earthquake was a man-made cause. His name was "François "Papa Doc" Duvalier" and his greedy son Jean-Claude. Like many rulers through time, his rise started with good human deeds. He became famous for fighting malaria (using medicine combined with voodoo) People called him Papa Doc and he liked it. This is where the story starts to change direction.

In America we think black and white. In Haiti, it's Mulatto vs. Black majority. Papa Doc wanted power. He garnered majority black support and took over. Shortly after he had a heart attack. After recovering, he accused his stand-in Barbot of trying to steal the country. He had him hunted down and heard rumor that he had transformed into a black dog. ..Yes, I said turned into a black dog. Being superstitious, Duvalier had all black dogs killed. He also ordered some human heads on ice. Yes, I said heads. After executing officers he would read their names at roll call and follow it with…"absent".

Living Colour's song, "Cult of Personality" certainly fits here. He believed he was a voodoo priest that walked with Jesus Christ. He even re-wrote "The Lord's Prayer" with a Duvalierist variation. After his death, Haiti was run by his son-of-a-gun son, Jean-Claude, who stole most of the country's wealth. He is living in exile in Paris contemplating donations to Haiti.

So this Smackum! goes double Duvalier for father and son. Their egos and greed impeded Haiti's ability to progress structurally, leaving them vulnerable to the disaster we have witnessed.

The cartoon of the dog is not a caricature of Papa Doc. This is one goes to the black pooches that gave their lives for Duvalier's voodoo B.S.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Kanye West vs. Taylor Swift - MMA Challenge

Let's pretend that we are Taylor Swift.  Young, cute, country and just won the MTV best female video award. Your looking into the crowd taking in the moment, listening to the applause then you hear someone tapping a microphone. As poor Taylor stands there dumbfounded, Kanye West climbs the stage and announces, "I'm sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time!" Beyonce who was about to win "best video" award thought she was hearing things… actually she was.

Kanye dragged her into yet another temper tantrum. As he lay on his stomach beating his hands and feet into the ground I figured he had a very bad day. His tirade had very little to do with Taylor, it was more about his snub, having to perform in a suite instead of the main stage. I guess someone noticed that he doesn't have a great voice and uses effects to hide his musical deficiencies.  Even after embarrassing himself, Taylor and Beyonce, he held fast in his belief that he was right fist pumping his boys. When the crowd booed him, he gave them the finger. Man, that's a class act.

Looking at it, Kanye is smart as a fox. He knows that people will eventually tire of his musical empire and is aimed at another revenue source…MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) Secretly he is practicing with Georges St. Pierre  and Fedor Emelianenko with the intent to fight Taylor Swift during next year's Super Bowl halftime show. Forget The Who, The Rolling Stones, Chicago, Peter Frampton or any other 70's rock band. Kanye is going to issue Taylor Swift another public smack down. As he is accepting is winner's belt, he'll reach over and do a Timberlake exposing her right boobie. His posse will nod and agree that she deserved what she got.

So my Smackum! Award goes to Kanye West for losing his mind yet again while wearing aviator glasses.

Friday, February 12, 2010

John "Tiger" Edwards - dick in the box

 As a kid, I was taught to listen to adults like John Edwards and model my life after them. So following his lead, I have unzipped my pants. Now I will go about my day. Thinking about it, many politicians walk and have walked the halls of Congress with their zipper down over the years. Nobody ever told Edwards, because they had their own zipper problem. Who are you going to consult, Bill Clinton? 

My guess, Edwards wore red, white and blue striped boxers. Any guy knows that boxers do not guarantee that the horse stays in the barn. Neither does a wedding ring. It kind of brings up political images similar to Justin Timberlake's "Dick in the Box" video…minus the box.

I have nicknamed John Edwards,"Tiger" for obvious reasons. Another case of the little head leading the big head. Having brains, looks and money does not always add up to a happy life. The problem I have with Edwards is that he was almost vice president, makes big decisions and has a lot of political power. He is proven through his activity that he tells the truth when it is convenient. Does this only happen at home?  What about when he is running government?

We're not talking small stuff, we're talking a kid out of wedlock and pregnant lady sex tapes. His wife is a saint for not going Elin on him with a 9 iron.

My good friend Jim, who has had a heart, kidney, pancreas transplant is one of the most stand-up, great people you would ever want to meet in your life. He is a successful businessman, father and friend. When introduced to his partner, he was asked if he cheated on his wife. His answer was, "no way" and he meant it. Paragon Steel has been in business for 20 years because of that trust. 

John Edwards talks the same story until it is proven false. He could learn a lot from Jim.

This Smackum! award goes to John Edwards for fathering a denied baby while using his wife's illness to capitalize politically.

This is a drawing from 2004 when he and John Kerry were the Democratic ticket losing to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Lady Gaga is talented but I wouldn't want to see her naked

I have seen Lady Gaga on TV a few times. I guess she has a good voice, she seems overall musically talented.

All I know is that she dresses like the Statue of Liberty and hides one eye like a pirate. In some ways she reminds me of an androgynous Madonna. You know, almost hot looking with a decent voice but you wouldn't want to see her naked. Now I hear she wants to sing with Britney Spears. That should be an interesting show, gaudy and nasal.

She is supposedly a mix of David Bowie, Freddy Mercury, Madonna and Michael Jackson. I think she has tried to combine all of their styles and came up with those crazy outfits. Well, if David Bowie had a child with Freddy Mercury and Michael Jackson impregnated Madonna I believe their grandchild would come out something like Lady Gaga. If they do one of those George Lopez DNA checks, some of this conjecture may not be science fiction. Well, maybe the Bowie / Mercury connection.

For some reason I looked at her and saw her hair as a broom. If you look carefully at my drawing you will see that her hair is constructed from straw. Her eye patch is an Ace of Diamonds for her song, "Poker Face."

So this Smackum! goes to Lady Gaga who's kicking some musical ass.
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