Saturday, February 27, 2010

Carly Simon's "Your so vain" song is about vampires!




Carly Simon is no spring chicken. In her day she was quite a catch. She was musically talented, had nice hair, a massive smile and she looked pretty good in a sweater. Chris Christopherson Warren Beatty, Mick Jagger, David Geffen, David Bowie, David Cassidy, David Frost and any other David in the vicinity, gladly lined up to be the potential inspiration for her next song.

38 years ago she wrote "You're so vain". Now there is a re-make being done. She is running a contest on her site, CarlySimon.com inviting filmmakers to make a video. She is amused that she is still asked about who's in the the song. Amused…she's running a CONTEST! Heck, She likes it.

The big secret over all these years is that she never officially identified who the true inspiration was for the song. I always heard it was Warren Beatty, but I thought he got run down riding a bike in a tunnel? Oh, that was in "Heaven can wait". I have another theory. I think Carly was way ahead of her time.

Like most TV shows these days, Carly's big smile was actually hiding narly vampire fangs. When she sang about being vain it wasn't about being smug and aloof, it was about the blood supply available in the carotid artery. That is why all these stars couldn't get her out of their minds. They were twice bitten and are under her spell. All those guys wore turtleneck sweaters a lot, in fact, so did she. The original song title was "Your so VEIN", you know, true blood, vampire diaries stuff. She changed the title to "VAIN" to catch some Davids. The good part is that she is always on time... she doesn't spend much time in front of the mirror. (that's a vampire joke)

So I'll give Carly Simon a Smackum! Award for possibly being Vampira and not revealing who the hell she has been singing about for almost 40 years.

She'll never tell, it would end her career and her blood supply.

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Canadian women's hockey team criticized for booze/cigar celebration


Watching the news last night the TV anchors were all over the Canadian women's hockey team. They were a bad example for children because they celebrated their gold medal with booze and cigars. Number one, they are in CANADA!…Canadians make great beer!  My guess, at the arena they sold about 3 million Molson's during the game and another billion from people seeing it on TV. Pouring alcohol on each other has been a sports tradition since the gladiators in Rome. Though it may have been a short lived celebration, even the slaves that survived got to drink some Ripple on the Coliseum floor after surviving a home win. The skaters had the cigars in their mouths, this wasn't a Monica Lewinsky situation.

Society is so hypocritical. Every venue that has a license sells beer. Fine wine and quality champagne is treasured and advertised worldwide. The Canadian women experienced an incredible feat on their home turf and drank some booze while hugging each other AFTER the arena is empty.  My goodness. If all the women got drunk and pulled off their tops a la Brandi Chastain (with a Janet Jackson twist) in front of the crowd, then we are talking a story. There was no Justin Timberlake sighting, things were under control.

My guess, all the people angry about their celebration are jealous and drunk. Hiccup…doze wimmunz shoulbm't be dwink'in like that, ik's a bab axe handle! They tell us drink booze and celebrate life every day of your life. These women did exactly that and got busted for doing so.

This Smackum! Awards goes to any news source pushing the negative side of the women's Canadian hockey team celebration. Most critics have a copy of the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue next to their half filled Budweiser bottle on their desk. It's like David Letterman criticizing Tiger Woods or Bill Clinton for talking smack about Elliot Spitzer, not credible. These are not times of prohibition, many people make money from the sale of alcohol.

The press would have preferred that a drunken hockey wench ran down a limping nun.

Top Ten Celebrity websites February 2010

This blog is a reflection of the times. Many of the people that win a Smackum! award are featured in OMG, TMZ, People etc. etc. Here is a list of the top 10 celebrity websites!  For some reason, TMZ.com crashes my browser. So any rumors from TMZ are only a rumor.

Some sites get over 12 million views per month!

TMZ - http://www.TMZ.com
OMG - http://omg.yahoo.com
POPEATER - http://www.popeater.com/
PEOPLE - http://www.people.com
US - http://www.usmagazine.com/
PEREZ HILTON - http://www.perezhilton.com/
STARPULSE - http://www.starpulse.com/
GAWKER - http://gawker.com/
EONLINE - http://www.eonline.com/
THEHOLLYWOODGOSSIP - http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Gloria Allred wants Tiger to apologize to jilted porn star


Media glorifies (pardon the pun) certain individuals when the ship hits the fan. Depending on the situation, the same cast shows up like a low budget disaster movie. You know, like Treat Williams films with the little Hispanic chick that's always the pilot. These days if you have a moral problem, Oprah has the advice to fix your sex life, Larry King interviews the perpetrator, Dr.Phil tells you why he did it and Dr. Sanjay Gupta will give us the medical breakdown. All high-profile legal affairs almost always involve Gloria Allred.


When I say affairs, I mean affairs.  She represented Paula Jones after she was jilted by Bill Clinton and now backs a porn star that Tiger didn't mention in his will. This is a woman who has pioneered woman's rights, fought for Holocost survivors, rape victims and pregnant inmates. It is obvious her favorite client is a woman in need of an apology.

Ask John Schmitz about her $10 million suit for calling her a "biatch".  She settled for $20,000 and an apology. She went after Rob Lowe for sexual harassment and sued an airline regarding a nipple ring humiliation. She made Michael Jackson cry and called out the Octomom. Now that Tiger Woods has a lineup of jilted mistresses Gloria has taken the cause of a porn star named Veronica Siwik-Daniels who wasn't on Wood's Poontang "A" list and wants public mention that she did him on the green. Or for the green…we'll see. Gloria is shown comforting Daniels as she cries in a photo. My best description is "boo hoo" - "there there".

I'm no psychologist, but I would would guess that some bully made Gloria's life a living hell with a false accusation leading to her school suspension from 2nd grade. She vowed from her cell to right all wrongs, especially those involving an apology from a wiener crazed celebrity.

Her next case awaits, SeaWorld will be suing Tilikum the whale for posing as Shamu and killing her 40 year-old trainer. SeaWorld would like a formal apology from the Orca.

This Smackum! award goes to Gloria Allred for continuously demanding celebrity apologies!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Curling - like watching paint dry

It is late February and the Winter Olympics are on. It is a nice treat every 4 years. Being from southern California, the Summer Olympics are much bigger in my mind. I don't ski or skate very often. These days I row and ride. But back to the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. There first bad luck was the Al Gore curse. Due to global warming of some kind, a place that is usually cold is unusually warm. The games started with a Luge racer flying 90 miles an hour into a pole. That sucked. For some reason Americans are winning the skiing events including Bode Miller who everybody wanted to see crash. Shaun White did his thing in the half-pipe, that's great. 

What has been on TV with non-stop coverage?…Curling!




This hasn't been a couple of minutes then let's go to the slopes. Your talking non-stop coverage with two announcers reacting like it's the Super Bowl. I don't know who to smack, the bald guy jetting around like a tyke on wheeled shoes or all the people watching the match in Canada that went crazy when they won a match. They interviewed a USA women's team member who was near tears. By now I am crying for some real action myself.

When they show the curling guys playing frozen carums all bent over and serious I want to run for the remote control. Listening to people say "whoa" in multiple languages is fascinating. I wonder if they scrub people's floors out of habit when they drop by? Do they hate vacuums? 

The Chinese guy is only at 64%. He should be ashamed according tho the announcer. What?

I miss the Roone Arledge days with Wide World of Sports. That's how I knew skiing as a kid. Those horns would play and they would say of the "thrill of victory and the agony of defeat". Then a guy comes flying down the mountain and crashes into the crowd at break neck speed.

I'm watching a bald guy push a stone with a stick. This sucks.

My Corporate Smackum! Award goes to CNBC for featuring a boring sport while others are ignored.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

A heartfelt Tiger Woods Poem


Tiger you blew it
you cried with your mom
she knows you like porn stars
brunettes in a thong

your'e angry we mock you
start rumors and lies
I agree, you got booty
but nobody died

like O.J. you're guilty
that you admit
in your case, thank God
you wore a glove and it fit

you fancy the Jaimee's
old Cougars, and Rist
a Grand Slam with Mindy
cakes, eggs and sausage
if you get my gist

Kalika in Vegas
Loredana for big buck
He likes girls that pose for money
have big boobs and will $@%#

Gillette, Nike, EA and Accenture
are sick he got busted on his girly adventure
now Playboy, Maxim or Trojan will bag ya
sell pills like Cialis, Extenze or Viagra

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Tiger Woods admits, "the devil made me do it!"


Tiger was hoping that with all the numbskull moves that celebrities and politicians have made over the past few months, the public would forget about his antics. Unfortunately he is one of the most recognizable people on the planet so the news media has been ready since he hit the tree. He is going to reveal to the public in his own private way why we have not seen him on the golf course. It is a press conference minus the press. Satellite coverage that will show a private moment. Hmmmm.

What we will hear should sound something like "blah, blah blah. I'm sorry, I've let you down. My fans deserve better and so does my family. I apologized from the bottom of my heart, so please leave me alone."  That is expected.  What is he going to do, get up and say, "I did all them hoes backwards and forwards up and down, and I LIKED IT!"  Did you see the whipped cream video!…I don't think so.

What people don't know is that Tiger is just a newer version of Joe Hardy from "Damn Yankees". I have always thought that anyone that can do that with a golf ball must have sold his soul to the devil. Having warmed up on Dave Letterman, the devil found bigger prey. He knew Tiger could be bought, he drove a Buick for money.

He would let Tiger travel the world, score major babes, plus have a family life with beautiful children and a doting wife. AND he gets paid millions to play golf!  Man, who wouldn't sign up for that. There has to be a catch. The problem all started with a lesson and a bet. If Tiger would teach the devil how to putt, he would get his wish.

A slight adjustment to his stance as well as holding his tail still resulted in plop after plop from all over the green. Betting on the next shot, the devil taps it from 75 feet away. It rolls up a small hill, dances over some leaves, rides on top of a stick, avoids a rabid squirrel, slides down the fringe and makes a hard left to the hole. Both the devil and Tiger were mesmerized by the little white ball's journey. It rotates eight more times and stops one revolution short of a miracle. Tiger says, "Ain't life a bitch?"

Wish granted.

This Smackum! Award goes to the devil for smack'in Tiger Woods right in the middle of a great career.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Airhead on flight throws hay maker at Mitt Romney!

Mitt Romney probably still has his heart set on running for president but for right now he's thinking about the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. While on a return flight, a passenger lost his mind when Romney asked him to move his seat to the upright position. The hillbilly yelled, "Them's fight'in words where I come from." and proceeded to throw some hay makers at the White House hopeful. Romney ducked the punches quicker than questions on abortion, illegal immigration and same sex marriage. Being a religious pro-gun advocate he had the man shot in a non-life threatening area upon landing.

This Smackum! Award goes to Mitt Romney for avoiding a mile high Smackum, keeping his head and arranging for retaliation through back door methods.

Jim Rome vs. Jim Everett - a vintage '94 Sports Show Smackum!

Back in 1994, Los Angeles Ram quarterback Jim Everett was a guest on Jim Rome's sport interview show before there were clones. I was a Ram fan back then. I would watch Jim Everett play and saw him go from possibly being the next Joe Montana to melting down and sacking himself against San Francisco. I remember saying "step forward, Jimmy" whenever he would throw off his back foot, which was often. The Rams were OK, but not great, even with Eric Dickerson in the backfield.

Getting back to Jim Rome. He has matured and is a respected sports showman now, but people forget that he was a smug, annoying interviewer when he first started out. Chris Everett was a very popular female tennis player at the time and Rome would refer to Jim Everett as "Chris". Jim Everett was invited to be a guest on Jim Rome's show which he accepted. At first, things seemed friendly. Then Rome called him Chris like he had many times before. Everett warned Rome to stop or they would have a discussion out back. There was a delay, Rome smirked and called him "Chris" again. This is where the Smackum happened.

Jim Everett overturned the table that was between them. Rome fell back on his butt. The QB stood over him asking "what?" You can't blame Everett, he warned him.

This Smackum! award goes to Jim Everett for his 1994 beat down of Jim Rome on national TV. 

Monday, February 15, 2010

François "Papa Doc" Duvalier, Haiti's first earthquake


At the moment, the biggest disaster that celebrities are lending their faces to is Haiti. I have mixed feelings. Many actors show up for the big ones but are silent for the small ones. I question if some see Haiti as an opportunity for self-promotion and tax deduction rather than a heart felt action to help those in need. Matthew McConaughey is a great example of walking the walk. He has stayed focused on New Orleans long after it has been fashionable.

One of the reasons that Haiti is devastated from the earthquake was a man-made cause. His name was "François "Papa Doc" Duvalier" and his greedy son Jean-Claude. Like many rulers through time, his rise started with good human deeds. He became famous for fighting malaria (using medicine combined with voodoo) People called him Papa Doc and he liked it. This is where the story starts to change direction.

In America we think black and white. In Haiti, it's Mulatto vs. Black majority. Papa Doc wanted power. He garnered majority black support and took over. Shortly after he had a heart attack. After recovering, he accused his stand-in Barbot of trying to steal the country. He had him hunted down and heard rumor that he had transformed into a black dog. ..Yes, I said turned into a black dog. Being superstitious, Duvalier had all black dogs killed. He also ordered some human heads on ice. Yes, I said heads. After executing officers he would read their names at roll call and follow it with…"absent".

Living Colour's song, "Cult of Personality" certainly fits here. He believed he was a voodoo priest that walked with Jesus Christ. He even re-wrote "The Lord's Prayer" with a Duvalierist variation. After his death, Haiti was run by his son-of-a-gun son, Jean-Claude, who stole most of the country's wealth. He is living in exile in Paris contemplating donations to Haiti.

So this Smackum! goes double Duvalier for father and son. Their egos and greed impeded Haiti's ability to progress structurally, leaving them vulnerable to the disaster we have witnessed.

The cartoon of the dog is not a caricature of Papa Doc. This is one goes to the black pooches that gave their lives for Duvalier's voodoo B.S.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Kanye West vs. Taylor Swift - MMA Challenge

Let's pretend that we are Taylor Swift.  Young, cute, country and just won the MTV best female video award. Your looking into the crowd taking in the moment, listening to the applause then you hear someone tapping a microphone. As poor Taylor stands there dumbfounded, Kanye West climbs the stage and announces, "I'm sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time!" Beyonce who was about to win "best video" award thought she was hearing things… actually she was.

Kanye dragged her into yet another temper tantrum. As he lay on his stomach beating his hands and feet into the ground I figured he had a very bad day. His tirade had very little to do with Taylor, it was more about his snub, having to perform in a suite instead of the main stage. I guess someone noticed that he doesn't have a great voice and uses effects to hide his musical deficiencies.  Even after embarrassing himself, Taylor and Beyonce, he held fast in his belief that he was right fist pumping his boys. When the crowd booed him, he gave them the finger. Man, that's a class act.

Looking at it, Kanye is smart as a fox. He knows that people will eventually tire of his musical empire and is aimed at another revenue source…MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) Secretly he is practicing with Georges St. Pierre  and Fedor Emelianenko with the intent to fight Taylor Swift during next year's Super Bowl halftime show. Forget The Who, The Rolling Stones, Chicago, Peter Frampton or any other 70's rock band. Kanye is going to issue Taylor Swift another public smack down. As he is accepting is winner's belt, he'll reach over and do a Timberlake exposing her right boobie. His posse will nod and agree that she deserved what she got.

So my Smackum! Award goes to Kanye West for losing his mind yet again while wearing aviator glasses.

Friday, February 12, 2010

John "Tiger" Edwards - dick in the box

 As a kid, I was taught to listen to adults like John Edwards and model my life after them. So following his lead, I have unzipped my pants. Now I will go about my day. Thinking about it, many politicians walk and have walked the halls of Congress with their zipper down over the years. Nobody ever told Edwards, because they had their own zipper problem. Who are you going to consult, Bill Clinton? 

My guess, Edwards wore red, white and blue striped boxers. Any guy knows that boxers do not guarantee that the horse stays in the barn. Neither does a wedding ring. It kind of brings up political images similar to Justin Timberlake's "Dick in the Box" video…minus the box.

I have nicknamed John Edwards,"Tiger" for obvious reasons. Another case of the little head leading the big head. Having brains, looks and money does not always add up to a happy life. The problem I have with Edwards is that he was almost vice president, makes big decisions and has a lot of political power. He is proven through his activity that he tells the truth when it is convenient. Does this only happen at home?  What about when he is running government?

We're not talking small stuff, we're talking a kid out of wedlock and pregnant lady sex tapes. His wife is a saint for not going Elin on him with a 9 iron.

My good friend Jim, who has had a heart, kidney, pancreas transplant is one of the most stand-up, great people you would ever want to meet in your life. He is a successful businessman, father and friend. When introduced to his partner, he was asked if he cheated on his wife. His answer was, "no way" and he meant it. Paragon Steel has been in business for 20 years because of that trust. 

John Edwards talks the same story until it is proven false. He could learn a lot from Jim.

This Smackum! award goes to John Edwards for fathering a denied baby while using his wife's illness to capitalize politically.

This is a drawing from 2004 when he and John Kerry were the Democratic ticket losing to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Lady Gaga is talented but I wouldn't want to see her naked

I have seen Lady Gaga on TV a few times. I guess she has a good voice, she seems overall musically talented.

All I know is that she dresses like the Statue of Liberty and hides one eye like a pirate. In some ways she reminds me of an androgynous Madonna. You know, almost hot looking with a decent voice but you wouldn't want to see her naked. Now I hear she wants to sing with Britney Spears. That should be an interesting show, gaudy and nasal.

She is supposedly a mix of David Bowie, Freddy Mercury, Madonna and Michael Jackson. I think she has tried to combine all of their styles and came up with those crazy outfits. Well, if David Bowie had a child with Freddy Mercury and Michael Jackson impregnated Madonna I believe their grandchild would come out something like Lady Gaga. If they do one of those George Lopez DNA checks, some of this conjecture may not be science fiction. Well, maybe the Bowie / Mercury connection.

For some reason I looked at her and saw her hair as a broom. If you look carefully at my drawing you will see that her hair is constructed from straw. Her eye patch is an Ace of Diamonds for her song, "Poker Face."

So this Smackum! goes to Lady Gaga who's kicking some musical ass.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

USC's Football Coach Wayne Kiffin recruiting a 7th grader



 
I heard about new USC football coach, Wayne Kiffin recruiting a 7th grader named David Sills to play quarterback. They predict he will be 6'4" tall, win many Heisman trophies and be MVP of the Super Bowl in 2022. Especially if you are from Tennessee you believe Kiffin deserves a smack. Here is a list of reasons why recruiting a 12-year old is a bad idea.



#10 - Diaper Rash
It makes Brett Favre style butt smacks extra painful

#9 - Clearasil
zit cream is slippery, causes  fumbles

#8 - Paper route
He will strain his elbow throwing newspapers from a bicycle

#7 - Pulling pigtails
The "Pigtail" incident will haunt him all the way to the recruiter's office

#6 - Busted in Algebra
Getting caught cheating on his algebra test sends an early message to "The Mob" that he can be bought

#5 - Losing to an old lady at Madden Football
Online research it will be reveal that he was defeated by a 65-year old lady in a network Madden Football game

#4 - X-Game (wanna be)
He breaks every bone in his body jumping his flaming lawn mower over the garage

#3 - X's and O's
When he draws X's and O's on the board...girls kiss him

#2 - Lighting Farts
He severely burns his throwing hand while lighting up a butt stinky

#1 - Grounded
Forgetting to take out the trash and sending 20,000 text messages in one month, David is grounded for 4 years starting at 18.

I used to coach 12 year-olds, you never know how they will turn out. A lot happens to you between 12 and 18. The pressure of college while you are still in middle school can't help his soon growing ulcer. I would think it would also effect his personality and relationships. Every kid wants to be the star, Tiger Woods was recruited early, so was Kobe. Now that I think about it so was Ryan Leaf and Todd Marinovich. All of them have rough spots in their stories. Being a talented kid and recognized is hard to do in today's crowded sports world. Maybe some day we'll be reading good David Sills stories. I hope so.

Today's Smackum! goes to Wayne Kiffin for messing up Tennessee and putting unreal expectations on a 12-year old.

Jim Cramer deserves a Smackum!


Jim Cramer is the star of "Mad Money" which is a good title for him.  Either he is mad, the people that listen to him are mad, or the people that invested their savings are steaming.  His mission statement reads;

"This show is not about picking stocks. It's not about giving you tips that will make you money overnight – tips are for waiters. Our mission is educational, to teach you how to analyze stocks and the market through the prism of events."

After giving Bear Stearns the thumbs up right before it went down follows a pattern of predictions that has cost his followers many thousands of dollars over the years. Then, he has the audacity to criticize the White House about the economic downturn questioning their methods.

TheStreet.com's hedge fund market manipulation discussion was disturbing at best. Then, John Stuart completely outed him on The Daily Show where he admitted to being a geek and ill informed. Mr. Stuart suggested that he remove the "expert" from his job title. Cramer went right back to it next day.

Watching people like Jim Cramer and Cry Baby Beck really makes me question FOX's decision making. You can't criticize unless you listen. I listened, these guys are clowns. The only thing missing from their shows are dancing poodles and spinning plates.

Today's Smackum! award goes to John Stewart for whacking Jim Cramer in March 2009.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Glenn "Cry Baby" Beck


A recent Fox poll has "Cry Baby Glenn" as the front runner of the Tea Party movement barely edging Sarah Palin. My goodness.

I grew up in LA. I remember Fox pre-Simpson's, it was just a channel. Now it is a network that features some strange characters. Glenn Beck is one of them. Reading about his past you can kind of understand why he turned out like he did. I felt bad for the guy when I read about his mom's death. I think that is why cries so much. Many of us have dead mothers, myself included. I am still sad but I'm not crying on TV. Somehow he landed a Fox gig and people buy into his story.

One day I watched him fake a bit about losing all your belongings if you sign up for "Cash for Clunkers. He preys on the weak and draws them into his B.S. The massive Tea Party movement believes that he should lead them to the promised land. I remember hearing the term "lunatic fringe", I think the Tea Partier's are them.

I am truly amazed that people buy into this kind of stuff. Palin, Beck, Kramer etc. all come off as whacky compared to normal people. Somehow they have high paying jobs stirring a nasty stew.

I am having trouble deciding if Glenn Beck or FOX deserves the Smackum!  He is who he is, but FOX put him on TV.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Tiger Woods getting smacked for getting whacked and that's a fact

Obviously, Tiger learned nothing from Kobe, Bill Clinton, Governor Mark Sanford, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Mick Jagger and every other celebrity chased by TMZ. He was out late playing the nineteenth hole and got busted.  

Everyone knows his story by now. Balloon Boy, The Diaper Bomber and mind numbing speeches by Sarah Palin make you forget about Tiger and his sexual urges. When he comes back and starts playing golf again I have a feeling he may be asked about them. Hopefully he will be able to resist the urge to hump someone's leg.

The first reports about the SUV accident had Elin using a golf club to free Tiger from his wrecked car.  I don't think so. My guess was that she was using the club on him, freeing him of some teeth. Nobody has seen him since, don't be surprised if he's sporting an altered grill. 

Tiger has lost millions of endorsement dollars, paid off countless women, been embarrassed publicly and contemplates divorce. That's a lot of smack'in. Plus I believe Elin smacked him hard with a club. So, this post's star is Tiger Woods for getting smacked for getting whacked, busted on the way back and that's a fact.


Buster Douglas SMACKS Mike Tyson February 11, 1990



A famous smack happened February 11, 1990 in Japan. At the time, Mike Tyson was "The Man" in boxing. he was knocking most guys out with the first punch. He wanted a tune-up fight with the intent on attaining a huge fight with Evander Holyfield for the title. Searching for for a tomato can, they found Buster Douglas.

Buster had fought other boxers of note such as Randall "Tex" Cobb, Greg Page and Tony Tucker. He had a bit of a belly and would be a 42 to 1 underdog against Tyson. What he had going for him was he was a good athlete, had a long reach and was motivated by his mother's recent death. Then Mike Tyson took him too lightly.

Tyson got smacked silly through most of the fight with Buster's long jab. In the tenth round, Buster stepped up and landed an uppercut that sent the champ on a drunken search for his mouthpiece. Tyson was never the same after that. After the fight, Buster blew up, literally. To the sum of 400 pounds.

The Buster Douglas Boxing video game sold for $40 bucks. They sold approximately 12 units. No matter, the guy issued a classic Smackum! when he was feeling it. Tyson was an animal back then.

Sarah Palin for president?...not if Hillary has a say!

I know I have already written about Sarah Palin, but she has announced that she would run for president if it is good for the country and the Palin family. Like Chris Carter would say on ESPN, "Come on, Man!".

She is now the face of the "Tea Party" in America. People who want change. Hmmm, sounds familiar. I can understand that she is pissed at today's financial situation, so am I. Now that "W" is out of office, it is no longer an excuse that George put us here. Obama has had a year and things aren't better. We just don't understand that her ideas and the Tea Party movement will save us. Follow Sarah to the White House in 2012. I repeat, "Come on, Man!"

I have been around for a number of presidents. I never remember such a blatant effort to see our president fail. At the cost of the country, people like Rush Limbaugh would rather see Obama fail even it meant that people are left without health care, jobless and broke. Sarah is not as radical but she believes that she is qualified to run the country. The Tea Partiers tell her so. Maybe there are 1000's of them, but is she going to run on the Tea Party ticket in 2012?

When they show a Tea Party member on TV, he usually looks like a guy from the local Kiwanis club. Bearded, tall, hunched over, wearing a vest with Sarah Palin buttons waving an American flag. That is not your typical power broker. He is there because she is cuter than the waitress at Denny's.

She ripped Obama for using a teleprompter while reading crib notes she had sketched in her hand. The crowd roared when she mentions secession and we find out her secessionist husband was running Alaska from his snowmobile.

She would have to be nominated by the Republican or independent parties. Sarah mentions that she would run if it is good for the country and her family. OK fine. Let's picture that. The Palin's move into the White House. The first thing you would hear is a thud. That would be Hillary Clinton fainting. She was a step away from a nomination, extremely qualified and knows geography. Now the Palin's will mount a moose head plaque in the Lincoln room.

There are two books that spell out exactly where Palin is coming from and what it is like working with her. If somehow she gets elected as president of the United States we will have nobody to blame but ourselves. People can be lemmings. All I know is that I'm not jumping.

So my guest smacker is Hillary Clinton, she'll owe many smacks if we see Palin in office someday.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

10 worst 2010 Super Bowl Commercials

I just watched the New Orleans Saints beat the Colts sitting next to my friend Mark's wife. The game was good but Janelle and I were rating commercials all game long. We were waiting for something to make us laugh or remember. What is strange is that the most compelling commercial was Google's. They told a story with their web browser. Simple.  Here is my list of the top ten worst Super Bowl Commercials 2010. The people responsible for these ads deserve a Smackum!

#10 - E-Trade - The baby talking gag is played out
#9 - Boost Mobile - Bringing out the old Bears with Jim McMahon getting a spray tan in a wheelchair while showing Mike Ditka's ass in a thong is just plain wrong. But as I am describing it I am liking it more.
#8 - Denny's - It's hard to mess up a joke using a chicken. Those birds were really hard to look at, not egg-citing to watch at all…sorry.
#7 - Taco Bell - Charles Barkley and Lamar Odom? Aren't they basketball guys? Man were they stiff. It was like two huge mannequins surrounded by chips and chicks.
#6 - Pop Secret - At least use some hot babes, it's the Super Bowl. This was the ugly out of shape actor's day to work. I doubt having people act like whales will sell more pop corn...actually maybe.
#5 - Doritos - What the hell? A ninja chip thrower kills a guy with a Dorito? What is the message? Doritos will kill you? Kill your friends with our chips? Duck? I don't know.
#4 - Coca Cola - Being nice to Montgomery Burns? That was a very anti-Simpson Simpson's commercial
#3 - Anheiser Busch - The "Lost" ad should have remained lost.
#2 - Dove - The commercial starts with sperm and talks about lotion. Then they showed a guys whole messed up life. Go Dove!
#1 - Dockers - The ugly body underwear commercial was badly timed following the Career Builder commercial with the same theme.

Favorite: Snickers - I didn't know Abe Vigoda was still alive, not to mention tackling Betty White. Excellent!

2nd Favorite: Monster - A musical beaver should be treasured

Zsa Zsa Gabor


A significant celebrity "Smackum!"from the past.

Back in 1989, TV and movie star Zsa Zsa Gabor got stopped by a policeman in Beverly Hills for a traffic violation. Zsa Zsa proceeded to slap Officer Paul Kramer upside his head. She said that Officer Kramer was extremely rude and obnoxious. A documentary film was made titled, "The People vs. Zsa Zsa Gabor.  She was fined $13,000.

Richard Henne vs. Larry King



The "Balloon Boy" incident really puts parenting on the forefront. Let me think how this dinner conversation went. OK Falcon, when I start yelling, hide in the closet.  I'll make the world think you are in this mylar balloon that is held together with duct tape and chewing gum and it is floating into space. Mayumi, you handle the camera. All the rest of you kids pretend Falcon is still in the balloon. We'll get famous. From there I'll get the PR rolling and we'll build a better spaceship than Richard Branson.

As things would unravel, the whole plan was uncovered. Richard Henne wasn't quite in the spotlight, he was more like a pack of fries under the heat light at McDonald's. Things got hot and someone was about to spread salt on the wound. That salt shaker would be in the shape of Larry King on CNN.


Henne tried to coach the un-coachable Falcon. Holding his head in his hands he told him, "If Larry asks you any questions, what ever you do, don't say it was for the show. You got it, DON'T mention us wanting to get on television. Just pretend, cry a little bit. Maybe limp if you have to." No one will find out, you won't get in trouble. Falcon, remembering that his father actually wanted to put him in that crazy contraption ratted him out for a stick of chewing gum.

Larry picked him apart. So in this post "Larry King" is the guest smacker of Balloon Boy's dad, the currently jailed, Richard Henne.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Sarah Palin serving Tea


I know it is easy to jump on the anti-Palin bandwagon but she deserves a SMACK! She completely called out Rahm Emanuel for saying the term "retard", yet Rush Limbaugh uses the same word with no backlash. I don't think she is defending her child, she was defending her behavior and wardrobe choices.

I am old enough to remember watching Howard Cosell on Monday Night Football.  I used to love to hate him. I remember thinking, "Shut Up Howard!". Sarah Palin strikes me the same way.  I gravitate to her articles and stories like a moth to a flame. Then I yell and shake my fist…"Shut Up Sarah!"  She's not bad to look at but sometimes listening to her can be an ordeal. We forget she is famous because she was picked out of a crowd, not because she was brilliant. At times, during an interview, she cannot complete a full sentence, but we find out that her husband (who is not in government) would finish them when needed. Oh yeah, he is a snowmobile champion qualifying him for making civic decisions...my goodness.

People are talking about her being the Republican nominee in 2012. From my standpoint in certain instances in life you want an expert in charge. Someone who is way smarter than you. Your surgeon, your dentist,  your accountant, your broker…and your PRESIDENT!  Sarah does not fit in that category.  My guess, her own party would poison her campaign to make Senator Scott Brown the nominee. Luckily he doesn't have any skeletons in the closet.

Tonight she will serve as the prime time convention speaker at a "Tea Party" in Nashville.  She will get paid $100,000 bucks by 600 people who ponied up $1000 a piece to attend this speech. I guess that's a Nashville stimulus package. Now that I think about it, I'll Tivo this baby and watch it again.  Oh, I said baby, Sarah will be mad.

Top Ten celebrities that deserve a SMACK! in February 2010


http://www.youtube.com/user/SmackumApp#p/u/3/FeTbgrRs3ZE
I have decided to use my 2005 animated interview with Mark McGwire to promote Smackum!, an iPhone app that REALLY kicks butt! It will be released to the App Store in the next week.  McGwire is a guy that needs a smack in my opinion. He'll hear it next baseball season for sure. There are a number of people in the public eye that could use a smack as well. This has prompted me to make a "Top 10 List" of people that I want to smack February 1, 2010.

#10 Lady Gaga - Could you imagine if that was your girlfriend? Hi Mom, this is Gaga. Thud! Mom? Mom?

#9 Rip Torn - He did the drunken armed bank robbery routine again

#8 Kanye West - Now that Taylor Swift is a grammy winner Kanye owes her an apology

#7 Snooki Polizzi - I watched an interview with that bubblehead and praised the Lord I don't live in Jersey.

#6 Beyonce - Purely out of jealousy she deserves a smack. Damn she's talented!

#5 Mark McGwire - 5 years ago they said the BALL was juiced, though he looked like a cartoon character and now he owns the home run record. That's not right.

#4 Jarrod Jewelers - Damn I'm sick of those commercials

#3 Abdulmutallab - All the people on Delta flight 253 should line up to hit the diaper bomber like they did in the movie "Airplane"

#2 Governor Mark Sanford - Talk about being busted...but a chick in Argentina?  These guys must walk around the capital with notebooks in front of their weiners like in high school. But I've got a better lying sack of $%#@ politician...

#1 John Edwards - During his wife's cancer treatments he fathers a child that he will deny till pressed by the media. That's one low Mo Fo!
 
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