Thursday, April 29, 2010

A drunken Kiefer Sutherland counts to 24 before being choked out by a bouncer

I like the show 24. Mainly because it has action, blinking lights, people in headsets and an evil plot to take over the world. This is the perfect time for a gun wielding, gravel voiced, goon killer to show up and kick some ass. My belief system has a little trouble with the 24 hour concept, but as long as Jack mumbles some malarkey and Chloe saves the day I am good with the show. After they stop filming you would hope that these actors aren't completely acting. You know, they walk the walk and sound like they know something.

Well, off-camera Kiefer decides to visit a strip club and has a few drinks too many. On the way out he ends up in a bouncer's choke hold. My guess, he talked some gravelly garbage with some alcohol additive. Basically shit talking on the rocks and he got choked out to avoid further embarrassment.

Knowing the real story behind television tough guys certainly taints the believability  of the show. But I'm a lemming. If you crank up the music, add some explosions and occasional cleavage shots I'll buy whatever they're selling during the commercials.

Having a great acting gig obviously isn't as big a thrill as watching a cheerleader swing around a pole while knocking down too many cold ones. Sad. No headset, no gun, no computer, no villain with his finger on a button. Jack ends up in a bouncer's bicep gasping for meaning on a stage travelled by bimbos in plastic heals.

This Smackum! Award goes to Kiefer Sutherland for getting himself in trouble, again!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Simon Cowell sticks up his finger at America before going back to Britain

 I used to have a girlfriend who was a couch potato. She watched "The Apprentice", "Lost" and  "Survivor" between snacks and had a hot line directly to QVC. Her favorite show was "American Idol". That was a long time ago and that smug, British judge guy is still doing his thing. As a consumer I watch American Idol to see the talent, I have never gained an appreciation for the part Simon plays in the show.

British humor is hard to sell in America and he's not funny. People in the US barely watch Monty Python. If you are supposed to like him for his personality, that's a negative and it certainly isn't for his good looks. Wearing those tight t-shirts is difficult to witness, listening to his barbs a bore. When the weather is nippy he has "bing tips" like a cheerleader and rolls his eyes if someone turns up the heat. I agree, it is time to go.

I watched Larry (Teflon) King where he interviewed the whole cast, Ryan Seacrest, Ellen Degeneres, Randy Jackson, Kara DioGuardi, and of course the lovable Simon Cowell who was explaining why it was a good time to leave.That is usually when the door is hitting you in the ass. He didn't sound nice at all or play the game of appreciation. I came, I conquered, I'm going. That's it. It's the first war the British have won in a while.

Watching this guy has been a pleasure. No, re-phrase…Watching this guy leave town will be a pleasure. Larry King needs to find a way to interview himself.

This Smackum Award goes to Simon Cowell for sticking his finger up at America with his other hand in our pockets.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Ben Roethlisberger suspended from Steelers games for being a bad date

I don't have a daughter. If I did I would hide her from Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger immediately. You would think having two Super Bowl rings and millions of dollars that Ben would hook up with a honey just like he does wide receivers. In this part of life he has not read the playbook, his passes are incomplete and he doesn't know when to use the brakes.

You can't teach charm. Some guys can get girls by just standing there. I remember reading a description of Gino Vanelli, the singer of "I just want to stop". They said his hair was still blowing even after he entered the room. Dude was a chick magnet. Ben would try to impress a girl by eating boogers, frying ants, stomping spiders, tripping old ladies or opening his mouth showing a half eaten sandwich. He treats girls like a young teenager...stupid, awkward. It's a vibe thing, it must be frustrating. All the movies always show the quarterback with a hot blonde and a mini-me love child. Big Ben is one of those poor bastards that couldn't get laid with a fist full of fifties.

People were mad at Tiger Woods and Jesse James because they were married. Ben is single and is still taking some serious heat. At least he wasn't caught wearing women's underwear like Marv Albert or holding hands in the men's room like Larry Craig. Ben just doesn't know how to get women, he is about as smooth as sandpaper. He would fit in with steelworkers balancing on a girder whistling at ladies that ignore them like pigeons. Unlovable Ben will get six weeks away from football to think about it probably ruining their Super Bowl chances in 2010. Maybe he should take the time and go to charm school.

This Smackum! Award goes to Ben Roethlisberger for being a really bad date and having no class.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Snooki Polizzi poses with her lips out Daffy Duck style

I tuned in "Jersey Shore" a few times, but quickly got bored of watching a bunch of airheads fight over a jacuzzi. I happened upon an interview with Snooki on a talk show. For certain she will never get arrested for substance abuse, because there was very little substance to abuse. She said that she always believed that she would be famous. I'm glad Snooki is living her dream, but I am trying to figure out what she has going other than luck and a set of duck lips. 

She does make a great cartoon character, I had to draw it. Her shape is sort of Danny Devito like with fake tits and a spray tan. That bubblehead hair-do is a classic. When she is in her forties be prepared for a Kirstie Alley style, "Snooki Ate Some Cookies Show".  My guess "The Situation" will eventually use his washboard abs to wash clothes, "DJ" will sell hair products on infomercials. I can't remember anyone else on the show by name. I'm sure we'll see them soon on "Intervention", "Dancing with the Stars" or "The Celebrity Apprentice".

I don't blame them.  If someone found my no talent ass as a teenager and paid me to party, I would have done it. I hope they are saving their money.

This Smackum award goes to Snooki Polizzi for just being Snooki and sticking her lips out like Daffy Duck.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Kate Gosselin is still in the running for "Best in Show" on "Dancing with the Stars"

A movie that I have found entertaining is "Best in Show". While the main character (Eugene Levy) walks in the dog competition, the announcer points out that he has two left feet. (literally) This brings up Kate Gosselin in Dancing with the Stars. She is more dog show material than Ginger Rogers dancing double. It is so bad that you have to watch. 

Being an artist, deciding to draw a face is a commitment. You look for keys that make the subject unique. Part of the problem drawing Kate Gosselin is that she changes her damn hairstyle every other day. I drew her wearing her signature "multi-mom mullet bob" so you could recognize her. Of course, if she starts dancing you'll know who it is after she trips.

She just went on Larry King (who is getting divorced AGAIN) and let him know that she doesn't know how Jon is making money. She is banking big cash on book tours and TV gigs while home boy owes her 20 grand a month and is oblivious to his situation. Damn, talk about a good idea gone bad.

Like Larry I have been divorced more than once. Thinking back, I wish I never went to the disco. That was wife one. However they met, if Jon could go back in time he'd probably wish he stayed home watching Dancing with the Stars through his fingers.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Jerry Jones rips Tebow and Parcells in cellphone video tirade

In his later years my father used to tell me, "don't get old". His statement was about the physical decline involved in aging, but there is more to getting old than arthritis and Wilfred Burnley commercials. To illustrate this divide I bring up the case of Jerry Jones.

Old buzzards aren't hip to today's electronic devices. Ask most retiree's if they would be fine listening to albums and the answer would be yes. Further generations feel that their gadgets are the norm, gauged by their perception at 18. Today's youth will grow old grasping iPod's, bouncing their heads under hoodies causing laughter to their children in future years. As a note, If you know someone collecting 8-track tapes and listens to them, call the authorities.

Jerry Jones is closing in on 70 and has not learned the lesson that the owners wish their players would learn. That would be "staying out of trouble".  Jerry Jones got busted eating a cowboy boot sandwich because he forgot that everybody with a cellphone is a potential reporter.

Listening to him, he may have been drinking, but he didn't speak with a forked tongue. Tim Tebow is going to have to beg to get a snap in an NFL game and Bill Parcells isn't a nice guy. But shouting that into a cellphone in a bar isn't good PR.

I give Jerry Jones a Smackum Award for smacking himself with a cellphone video tirade.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

In a colorful move TBS mixes red and brown with Conan O'Brien and George Lopez

It has been interesting watching late night television change post Johnny Carson. Johnny owned the time slot. I remember being a kid trying to stay awake till the end, eventually snoozing during an Ed McMahon laughing fit. There were only 9 channels on antenna TV at that time. Cable, the internet and Tivo has changed time slot programming, but the late night audience still exists. A segment of society still likes a variety show at 11:00. Letterman is pretty low key, Leno is Leno. Seems like a good time for Conan to make a bold move.

In amazing fashion O'Brien made sure that Lopez doesn't feel Conanized by being bumped back an hour and joining TBS. Lopez approves the move to a midnight show and believes that their combined hair will be a tremendous asset.

I remember seeing an interview with Ted Turner many years ago when he bought the rights to black & white movies that he later had colorized. People were up in arms, questioning his right to colorize saying he ruined the films with the process.

With his classic southern twang, (with "i" sounding like "EYE" ) He told the reporter, "I believe I own those movies!"  TBS is making a colorful move teaming George Lopez and Conan O'Brien. This proves Ted Turner likes brown and red. They are complimentary colors, nice.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

5 reasons why Trucknutz should be swinging under Tiger Wood's trailer hitch

Riding my bike the other day I noticed something shiny dangling under a truck's bumper. At first, I thought it was trailer hitch. To my dismay it was a set of chrome testicles purposely displayed to promote thought.

OK TruckNutz, you win. Six of us (four women, two men) tried to figure out why someone would want to show the world a set of their McNuggets under a truck bumper so perilously close to speed bump disaster. I have applied them to Tiger's situation.

Here is a list of 5 reasons why TruckNutz would be swaying under Tiger Wood's trailer hitch. You know, the true meaning of why Tiger would drop to his knees and install a $40 set of chrome testicles to his ride.

It means:

1) Ego

This would mean Tiger has balls!

2) Elin shops at Amazon

Elin ordered them online and installed them herself as a monogamy reminder

3) "Sexual Predator" warning

Metal scraping testicles with sparks would warn potential victims from blocks away

4) (optional) Blue Balls

Representing what Tiger will have for the next 5 years if he stays married

5) Brass Balls

Big brass balls are necessary to convince the public that cheating on your wife is a treatable disease.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Tiger Wood's dad demands answers from heaven

Tiger is back on course and everybody's happy. Too bad Nike didn't get the message. The black and white Tiger commercial is really depressing. He's got every chick in town mad at him, an angry wife, plus his dead dad is chewing him out from heaven. That's messed up.

Thinking about it, corporations suck at times. NIke probably made Tiger's dad read that line years ago just in case Tiger screwed up in the future. Wow, this is starting to sound like an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.

Sad-faced Tiger shots are a bummer, but they may be the norm for a while. Every night when comes home he must first park his SUV. (not near the tree) Then he will walk inside, remove his cap and bend over. Then Elin will tee-off on his noggin with a 12" frying pan. The "bong" noise and scream will be audible for 3 square blocks every night on the hour. That treatment over a period of time will make you think you are hearing your dead Dad's voice and definitely wipe the cheese grin off your so busted face.

Nike has to get this SmackumApp Award for resurrecting a deceased relative to help resurrect a struggling brand.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Rod Blagojevich proves on the Celebrity Apprentice that he doesn't know "Ship" from "Shinola"

Being an entrepreneur, I have watched Donald Trump's Apprentice show since season 1. In the beginning, it was a good business lesson. Contestants would blow it in one way or another reminding you of the intricacies forgotten in daily business dealings.

After a few years the show's appeal had faded and they went the celebrity route. Some of the people chosen for the show are not expected to succeed, like Darryl Strawberry and Dennis Rodman. Trump picks them as contestants fully knowing they will crash and burn. Speaking of which, many of the projects Trump has been involved in have crashed and burned as well. He is not immune to business loss. A loud voice and a multi-leveled hair weave only goes so far.

His choice for stars this season includes Cindy Lauper and Rocket Rod Blagojevich. Cindy Lauper's voice is so New York cartoon-like I thought I was watching "All in the Family" on a helium, but she's no dummy...then there is Rod Blagojevich.

People forget why he is famous. It is because he is a corrupt idiot. The guy tried to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat after he was elected, then could remember nothing when questioned. Jaywalkers get a tougher sentence than this empty suit. He should be in jail, instead he is on television pretending to be important. I applaud Donald Trump for putting this clown on TV so the public can watch first hand how little he knows.

Politicians represent the people. How can the "hair club for men" get elected spokesperson for the State of Illinois and not know how to send an e-mail. Even John McCain is hipper and he needs a new hip. Being digitally handicapped creates a huge gap between lawmaker and citizen. He believes that being lame is not a problem. This is proven with his vote approving the invasion of Iraq.

Trump must have picked him because of his clever political campaigns like Ryan is Ly'in and ignoring the fact he had the worst popularity rating ever for a politician. He ordered illegal (non FDA approved) flu vaccinations (later shipped to Pakistan and destroyed), banned kid's video games, withheld funds from a Children's Hospital, was involved in a dozen investigations and considers himself the first African American governor of Illinois. Black like Me? I don't think so. His aides carry a brush called "the football", just in case he needs to tease his afro bang. Just typing this crap makes me mad.

Why is this guy in charge of anything? I wouldn't trust that dork to pick up my dry cleaning. I just saw him reading ads dressed as a king on the George Lopez show. He is so stupid he doesn't even realize Lopez is using him as a joke.

This Smackum! Award goes to Rocket Rod Blagojevich for being stupid, corrupt and an absolute buffoon politician. If you ever voted for him you are a lemming.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Sex addiction therapy treatment turns Tiger toothless

Public scrutiny and performance anxiety can easily drive grown men into the arms of a Nazi, waffle waitress or porn star. No judgement here, that could happen to anybody. Just ask David Lettermen, Governor Mark Sanford, Jesse Jackson, Kobe on and on. But these days, immediately after being busted, celebrities check into a sexual rehab facility. To me, this brings up images of Leonardo DiCaprio on Shutter's Island.

Both Tiger Woods and Jesse James are receiving "treatment" but the rehab methods are not truly defined. I'm a cartoonist, so my visions of what goes on in these places is slightly skewed.

Do you make them hate sex? Or do you subject them to so much booty, that they become numb from the waist down? Let's see.

"Sexual Aversion Therapy"

Picture our heroes, eyes held open with toothpicks, wired up to electrodes that will shock their loins and confuse their brain. Graphic images will be flashed in a dark room showing Pamela Anderson…then a picture of Tiger's mother-in-law. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue?…inside is a centerfold of plumber's butt. "Girls Gone Wild" videos will be premiered where college coeds pull out books and actually study. Mean things, ugly things. You can imagine the tortures of a sexual addition clinic.

"Fake Porn Therapy"

Thinking they are about to watch porn, they are given a dose of Cialis and placed in parallel tubs holding hands. In a cruel twist, a giant flat screen plays Clash of the Titans (new and 1981 version), Clipper highlight reels, Battlefield Earth, Gigli, Kazaam, Water World, followed by the 2003 mega hit film, "From Justin to Kelly". You can just hear the noise of a slide whistle going down. Beeeeooooowwooop!  Excitement  lost, no wood.

"Spearmint Rhino" approach

Giant-necked bouncers lead Tiger and Jesse into private rooms where each is assigned a hostess with measurements resembling Barbie and an intellect sub-Paris Hilton. Deafening rock-n-roll music combining with cleavage and flashing lights will hypnotize the Dynamic Duo into believing that ALL girl's names end with an "i" and they care about you and your feelings. After 10 solid days of lap dances and constant bubblehead banter they will be begging to take out the trash or mow the lawn.

Elin and Sandra will soon be able to walk the streets with their high profile eunuchs with no fear of foul play. They will be toothless… No, more like boneless chickens, flopping around, fearing the colonel.

This Smackum Award goes to the new Dynamic Duo, Tiger Woods and Jesse James!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Tiger Woods plays Three Musketeers with Jesse James while eating Skittles

Tiger Woods and Jesse James have a lot in common. Both have had a lot of recent media exposure and are connected to the public with their personas and their deeds. In my mind, they should be bros. They definitely like the ladies. I would think they would have some great stories to share if they could just dodge the relentless paparazzi.

Here's my scenario about the upcoming Master's Tournament starring Tiger Woods.

He will do one more "pity me" interview and say that's the last "pity me" interview you will hear. He will say, " I'm sorry I got me some good booty, but I didn't kill anybody." This will be followed by golf. Everything will be going fine until the 18th hole. A drippy-nosed baby will sneeze while Tiger putts causing a miss. The scene will suddenly resemble 24. Helicopter gun ships will rise in the horizon, Tiger's caddy appears in karate attire kicking retirees in the dentures while a SWAT team takes over the tournament. Cue the head banging rock-n-roll music.

Being the outlaw that he is, Jesse James hops on one of his new chopper creations and rides on one wheel to Augusta to pick up Tiger Woods. Thanks to the new Grip-n-Ride, Tiger can hold onto Jesse and not look like his biker bitch. A helmet wouldn't be a bad idea either, just ask Ben Roethlisberger. Now that I think about it, Tiger should NOT talk to Ben Roethlisberger. He's got his own dating difficulties and doesn't know squat about motorcycles.

Jesse James therapy starts with a chopper ride, eating a hand full of Skittles and finishes with a healthy help'in of Bombshell McGee. Luckily for Tiger, Jesse doesn't like Hershey Bars. From what we hear he prefers Mounds and has no problem playing Three Musketeers after a night full of drinking.

This Smackum! Award has to go to Jesse James who is truly living up to his name, blowing it with an Oscar winner and checking into an anti-booty clinic after slapping some candy labeled ass!
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