Sunday, April 4, 2010

Sex addiction therapy treatment turns Tiger toothless

Public scrutiny and performance anxiety can easily drive grown men into the arms of a Nazi, waffle waitress or porn star. No judgement here, that could happen to anybody. Just ask David Lettermen, Governor Mark Sanford, Jesse Jackson, Kobe on and on. But these days, immediately after being busted, celebrities check into a sexual rehab facility. To me, this brings up images of Leonardo DiCaprio on Shutter's Island.

Both Tiger Woods and Jesse James are receiving "treatment" but the rehab methods are not truly defined. I'm a cartoonist, so my visions of what goes on in these places is slightly skewed.

Do you make them hate sex? Or do you subject them to so much booty, that they become numb from the waist down? Let's see.

"Sexual Aversion Therapy"

Picture our heroes, eyes held open with toothpicks, wired up to electrodes that will shock their loins and confuse their brain. Graphic images will be flashed in a dark room showing Pamela Anderson…then a picture of Tiger's mother-in-law. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue?…inside is a centerfold of plumber's butt. "Girls Gone Wild" videos will be premiered where college coeds pull out books and actually study. Mean things, ugly things. You can imagine the tortures of a sexual addition clinic.

"Fake Porn Therapy"

Thinking they are about to watch porn, they are given a dose of Cialis and placed in parallel tubs holding hands. In a cruel twist, a giant flat screen plays Clash of the Titans (new and 1981 version), Clipper highlight reels, Battlefield Earth, Gigli, Kazaam, Water World, followed by the 2003 mega hit film, "From Justin to Kelly". You can just hear the noise of a slide whistle going down. Beeeeooooowwooop!  Excitement  lost, no wood.

"Spearmint Rhino" approach

Giant-necked bouncers lead Tiger and Jesse into private rooms where each is assigned a hostess with measurements resembling Barbie and an intellect sub-Paris Hilton. Deafening rock-n-roll music combining with cleavage and flashing lights will hypnotize the Dynamic Duo into believing that ALL girl's names end with an "i" and they care about you and your feelings. After 10 solid days of lap dances and constant bubblehead banter they will be begging to take out the trash or mow the lawn.

Elin and Sandra will soon be able to walk the streets with their high profile eunuchs with no fear of foul play. They will be toothless… No, more like boneless chickens, flopping around, fearing the colonel.

This Smackum Award goes to the new Dynamic Duo, Tiger Woods and Jesse James!

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