Friday, April 2, 2010

Tiger Woods plays Three Musketeers with Jesse James while eating Skittles

Tiger Woods and Jesse James have a lot in common. Both have had a lot of recent media exposure and are connected to the public with their personas and their deeds. In my mind, they should be bros. They definitely like the ladies. I would think they would have some great stories to share if they could just dodge the relentless paparazzi.

Here's my scenario about the upcoming Master's Tournament starring Tiger Woods.

He will do one more "pity me" interview and say that's the last "pity me" interview you will hear. He will say, " I'm sorry I got me some good booty, but I didn't kill anybody." This will be followed by golf. Everything will be going fine until the 18th hole. A drippy-nosed baby will sneeze while Tiger putts causing a miss. The scene will suddenly resemble 24. Helicopter gun ships will rise in the horizon, Tiger's caddy appears in karate attire kicking retirees in the dentures while a SWAT team takes over the tournament. Cue the head banging rock-n-roll music.

Being the outlaw that he is, Jesse James hops on one of his new chopper creations and rides on one wheel to Augusta to pick up Tiger Woods. Thanks to the new Grip-n-Ride, Tiger can hold onto Jesse and not look like his biker bitch. A helmet wouldn't be a bad idea either, just ask Ben Roethlisberger. Now that I think about it, Tiger should NOT talk to Ben Roethlisberger. He's got his own dating difficulties and doesn't know squat about motorcycles.

Jesse James therapy starts with a chopper ride, eating a hand full of Skittles and finishes with a healthy help'in of Bombshell McGee. Luckily for Tiger, Jesse doesn't like Hershey Bars. From what we hear he prefers Mounds and has no problem playing Three Musketeers after a night full of drinking.

This Smackum! Award has to go to Jesse James who is truly living up to his name, blowing it with an Oscar winner and checking into an anti-booty clinic after slapping some candy labeled ass!

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